canthurrylove1

 

As the song says, “Will you still love me tomorrow?”

The answer to that question will always be a resounding NO if you insist on hurrying through the process of failing in love or settle for less than what trips your trigger.

What do you want?  Easy and sleezy or long and lasting?  It’s up to you.

I know this will come as a great shock, but I’m no expert on love. Lord knows, even at my age, I still find I have much to learn when it comes to something that is, according to the powers that be, supposed to be naturally occurring phenomenon.

Visit any bookstore and you’ll find there are aisles and aisles of books devoted to love and all its possible outcomes and consequences. Books that tell you how to find your soul mate, how to make sure you’re irresistible to them by re-inventing yourself, how you should feel and how to manipulate a potential mate into acting the way you think they should act…crowd each aisle.

Then there are the myriad of books that tell you how to have every sort of sex act imaginable, a few of which are actually possible, and also contain do-it-yourself-er advice for the “handy” men and women amongst us (wouldn’t that be the epitome a “self-help” manual? Just a thought. *batting my eyes*) 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t physical pleasures be something that is effortless with a true mate or someone you love and trust?  WHY do we spend so much money attempting to fit a square peg into a round hole, metaphorically speaking. *wink* If you need a little “pick-me-up”, your own imagination should do just fine without someone else instructing you step by step on how to make a chocolate mold of your stud muffin’s willie simply in order to spice up a love life.  Rely on your own intuition. 

As you progress on to the next aisle, you’ll discover books and advice on how to fix the relationship you’ve already managed to break, neglect or screw up.  You can  continue on and pursue books that also tell you how to find out if the love of your life is cheating on you by putting on your detective hat and trench coat.  Heaven knows, trust is a bygone character trait in our society today. 

Last but not least, comes the section on how to take the person to which you pledged your heart and soul, to the cleaners or exact revenge for whatever pain you’re now experiencing. Who said that romance is dead?? Heck, you can buy the magic spells for guaranteed romance for the bargain price of $19.95 at Books a Million. What a deal!!

Is it any wonder we’re floundering and confused?  If we so called adults are acting like irresponsible teenagers in heat without a clue, heaven help the teenagers we’re responsible for raising and teaching such things.

When I wander around on online, it seems that there are so many people that are determined, come hell or high water, to fall in love. They plan for it. They advertise for it. They bemoan the fact that no one is falling under their spell. They finally decide, after a whole week or two of looking, to settle on something close to what they might actually want in a mate.

We want everything in our lives to be quick and easy..shake and bake. Women hear their clock ticking or don’t want to be labeled as an Old Maid or spinster..and men want to be taken care of or take care of someone to feel vital and not be labeled as “funny” by great aunt Marge when she discusses with the family why you can’t find a bride or have a woman stay with you.

Now keeping in mind that I’ve already confessed to not being Dr. Laura or Dear Abby or Dr. Phil, real love just isn’t that easy to find and can’t be forced into your time frame or specifications. IF you feel the urge coming over you to rationalize what you’re willing to do so that you’re not lonely anymore…get a grip. LOVE shouldn’t be rational. It can’t be arranged or planned for, and if it can be…then again, it’s not LOVE. 

Love is also messy and emotional (isn’t that the point?). You WILL cry over someone that you love. It is guaranteed we will all say or do the wrong thing at some time in a relationship. Ladies, all the platitudes we’re fed like…”No man worthwhile will make you cry” is bunk. Of COURSE worthwhile men will occasionally make us cry (or we’ll do it to ourselves by over-thinking or over-reacting)…if you don’t ever cry or fight or get upset in a relationship, then one or both of you just isn’t fully involved emotionally in said relationship. It’s benign and stagnant and will ultimately leave you bored and dissatisfied or as lonely as when you really were by yourself and alone.  The only difference being, you’re now alone where it counts, on the inside, while pretending to be part of a couple.

There are so many people rushing into real life meetings or falling in love after a couple of long conversations online with a total stranger. I hate to burst your bubble, but that’s not love. It might be the first stirrings of lust or interest, but it sure as hell isn’t love and if you rush into things, it will end badly. What’s the hurry anyway? IF it’s something destined to be important to you both and lasting, time will enhance the connection, not diminish it. You need to learn about the other person, experience them, make sure they are who they say they are. By the same token, you have to learn to not hold back as well…to give them even the parts of yourself you might not be proud of, rather than only showing your good side or what you think they are looking for.

If you don’t know their middle name, their birthday…the names of their children if they have them, where they were born or have heard about their parents or siblings, you don’t know them. Do you know their favorite movies, who gave them their first kiss, the foods they hate or summer jobs they had growing up? Little details that aren’t only lust or physically related, start to round out a person. You need long conversations on the phone so you can hear their voice, the pitch of their laugh…talking about all sorts of subjects from politics to nonsense. You need to not only be focused on finding out what turns them on or the size of their ummm…attributes, but instead find out if you really like the person as well as lust after them.

Yes, attraction is key to a relationship, but it’s just the icebreaker. If you’re looking for more than a quick roll in the hay that hopefully ONLY leaves you upset when it’s over (and without complications such as disease or a stalker or a new addition to the family), dare to look deeper and take your time if you want any chance at a lasting friendship with someone that is also your lover and one day maybe a lifelong partner.

None of us wants or likes to be lonely, it sucks to deal with things on our own all the time, be the fixer, or feel as if the weight of the world is always on our shoulders. We’re all searching for contact with someone that understands us, makes us feel wanted and needed. It doesn’t get any easier with maturity and age, in fact..I think it gets tougher. The players have refined their game by then and it’s hard to tell the good humans from the ones that talk a good game, male or female. Most of us have had relationships that have changed us in some way, at times hurtful ways that leave behind emotional scars that anyone new in our lives will have to understand and find ways over walls we may have built to protect ourselves. We’re more scared to fail or get hurt again. None of this is insurmountable.

Listen to your head and heart, not only your “happy spots” of bodily lust, when you meet someone that makes you take notice. Sex is easy, love takes effort and thought.  Use your brain, but at the same time, let yourself dream of possibilities. When you’ve been hurt, let yourself heal…but don’t close yourself off, none of us can live our lives in a vacuum.

It’s best to wait for the one you want than to settle for the one who’s available. Best to wait for the one you love than settle for the one who’s around. Best to wait for the right one because life is too short to be wasted with the wrong person, hoping they will change into what you want or need…hoping that magic pixie dust will make you happy.

Live, Learn, Love…and have fun doing it.

 

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~True love cannot be defined by any means. It is a cluster of adjectives. It’s crazy, passionate, complicated, painful, but most importantly, true love is real. It’s that feeling of being inexplicably drawn to another person. Love isn’t finding someone who you can escape reality with, it’s finding someone who makes reality worthwhile.~

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