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It’s a rainy Thursday here in Georgia and as I peruse the latest headlines, it seems as if absurdity is, as usual,  running rampant.  What would we do without a little comic relief to make the world a little more interesting place to live in? 

Remember, the truth IS truly stranger than fiction!!  (or as we say in the South, “You can’t make this sh*t up!!)

 

One of my favorite stories this week comes from Florida.  A woman called 911 in a panic.  Apparently she locked herself INSIDE her car and was starting to get “all woozie and stuff” because it was hot and she couldn’t get out.  According to her, the car wouldn’t start and nothing electrical would work!!

I give kudos to the emergency operator for being able to handle this potentially tragic situation without collapsing from laughter.  She managed to guide the poor soul through manually unlocking her door and the woman was able to escape the death trap of her own car!!  Crisis averted!  Start the blonde jokes now, regardless of the color of her hair.

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A totally “normal” gentleman in Britain was caught naked at a beauty spot with a flashlight stuck up his rear. told cops he was DEPRESSED.  Herbert Boothroyd, 61, said he had wanted to “cheer himself up”.  (UP being the operative word)  As two women passed, he continued cheering himself UP and waved hello.  He later also exposed himself to two teenage boys as he sat completely naked on a park bench.  Mr. Boothroyd was spared jail time however, because the police say he came clean about having the flashlight and stick up his backside, citing depression as he confessed to his transgressions.  He got probation for 2 years and was ordered to attend a sex offenders group. 

Personally I think he should have been banned from hardware stores as well.  He seems to take the term “hardware” to a whole ‘nother level of interpretation.  Something like a kid in a candy store perhaps?  No telling what he might find to relieve himself next time he’s a bit down in the dumps.  (pun intended)

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Back we go to Florida for another sign of the dumbing down of society in general.  In the town of Umatilla, a 37 year old woman was arrested after being accused of beating her 69 year old boyfriend in the head while he was in the shower.  According to the police report, the boyfriend was taking a shower at the Umatilla home when Sandy Jo ripped the shower curtain off the rod and began screaming at him, accusing him of having an affair with another woman.  He didn’t report the incident for a couple of days (ummm..perhaps because he had been beaten up by a girl AND caught having an affair??)  As she was taken off to jail, Sandy Jo said she should have hit him harder and was going to get even with him for cheating AND for having her arrested.

I’m betting Viagra had a little something to do with a 69 year old male not only playing house with a psychotic 37 year old, but also feeling cocky enough to bump boots with another woman as well.  Moral of the story?  Don’t come home drinking and cheatin’ with lovin’ on your mind!  (Or take a shower without an armed guard)

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 It seems as if there has to be a condition or acronym for everything these days.  Apparently it’s not good enough anymore to be a nymphomaniac, now you have PSAS or as it’s more commonly known, Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.  Men, I’m sorry, you can’t claim this syndrome, it’s exclusively a woman thing (as if we need one more thing!)  Of course, I’m sure men everywhere will now try to benefit and form support groups to “comfort” and be there for any woman afflicted with this condition.  Y’all are good like that.

This alarming condition (that wasn’t “discovered” until 1991?)  is one that causes some women to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm.  I saw it described as absolutely “nightmarish”,  I guess by the women, but I suppose the men that had to service them might find it a bit taxing at times too.  I have a hard time thinking that the men would describe it as a nightmare..maybe a dream cum true instead?

Two thoughts come to mind…well, to MY mind anyway. 

One,  maybe the men that take Viagra and have the dreaded erections that last for more than 4 hours (or priapism) should be matched with women that “suffer” from PSAS.  Problem solved. 

Two, if you have this condition, I’d buy stock in the Dollar Tree.  Just the “up” surge in battery sales from taking care of this would ensure a massive rise in their bottom line!   In both cases, my ideas would at the very least keep  everyone going and going and going! 😉

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The much maligned Washington, DC school districts are not doing their own image any good.   They just can’t help shooting themselves in the foot.  Oh wait though, aren’t guns outlawed in DC?  I digress, back to the school system.

The school board came out this week with new tougher guidelines for the school dress code.  They REALLY mean it this time too!  Are they bringing in school uniforms?  Oh no!  Hats, see-through clothes and accessories with protruding metal spikes are some of the items that are prohibited in the expanded policies. The new policy does NOT however, allow officials to suspend students who do not comply.   Boy, that’s a policy with bite huh??

They did also say that school officials should be prepared to provide extra clothes for those that cannot afford new ones.  It specifies that it should be “gender neutral” clothing. 

Personally I’m thinking if anyone wears clothes with metal spikes or that is see through, they should be REQUIRED to wear gender opposite clothing and be on display.  A day of cross dressing just might make them think twice about their outfits in the future.   On second thought, with today’s teenagers, it might start a trend.  Never mind.

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With the world economy in the state it’s in, this story is absolutely “heartwarming” to those of us with college age kids.   Colleges in the South have always been notoriously competitive.  Everyone knows that you don’t mess with the SEC when it comes to college football!! 

Alabama and Auburn are fighting for the title of most likely to raise tuition this year. 

Auburn trustees announced that they spent $500,000 this fiscal year to fly administrators and trustees on their TWO private corporate jets to wherever the heck they flew them to. (Important football games and such I’m sure) 

Alabama couldn’t quite match their feat.  They only have one jet (must be because football probation cut into their income the past few years), so they were only able to waste…ummmm, spend…30,500 in travel and their trustees were rarely on board for any flights.

These are two universities we are trusting to turn out the future fiscally responsible leaders for the coming years.  With these stellar examples being set by their bastions of higher education, what could go wrong??

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 Last but certainly not least, a little advice for the men from a couple of newly completed studies that have recently published their results.  (I can’t believe our tax money actually pays for some of this)  Okay, here we go…

First..if you’re bald, there is now proof that you aren’t scoring as often as your counterparts with hair.  MEN with a full head of hair are five times more likely to get a date than those who are thinning on top, a study shows. 

This study was conducted by posting identical profiles on an online dating site where the only difference was the photo of the male.  One photo showed a male with a full head of hair, the other with the same male sans hair.  Over the next two months, the profile with hair received 108 replies, while the bald counterpart only had 22 responses.  An expert in such things has suggested that it might be attributed to the fact that hair is associated in nature and history with virility.  (think Samson in the Bible)  Take it with a grain of salt (or a wig)

Study #2 pertains to a sense of humor.  Having trouble getting the ladies to fall into your bed?  Try cracking a few jokes!!  I kid you not!!! (nudge, nudge…get it??). 

It has been shown and allegedly proven (at least a time or two) that funny men laugh ladies into bed because they’re seen as ‘more intelligent’.  A study has found that a sense of humor “makes men seem more intelligent, trustworthy, and a better bet for a relationship”.  Imagine that! 

Personal ads were drawn up for the study and women were asked to rate them and choose the men they would most likely answer or want to date.  The men that showed a sense of humor in their ads were rated as more intelligent, despite the fact that the ads contained no clues as to their IQ.  They were also seen as more honest and better material for a relationship and for friendship.

 

So, in closing…I conclude that all is not lost for anyone that might be starting to thin on top or be completely bald.  The answer is obvious!  If you’re not getting laid, rent some 3 Stooges videos and brush up on your yuck (as in HA, HA) factor. (as opposed to an actual yuck, stalkerish or unfaithful qualities of course, those personality quirks just might get you arrested or beaten up by your girlfriend rather than laid ..reference story #1)  I’m thinking that sense of humor would trump the bald study thingy hands down.  Problem solved for all!

 Hmmmm…maybe I should receive a grant for doing a remarkably exhaustive “study” and giving such sage excellent advice that solves all of our dating woes!!  After all, I’m worth it! 

 

This concludes our Thursday Totally Tawdy, Tacky, Titillating & Tempting Tidbits for this week. 

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