Posts from the ‘Men’ Category

Expressions That Make You Fit to be Tied & Other Southern-isms to Ponder

Some of you are aware that I have a certain affection for a damned Yankee and regularly immerse myself in travels to the great north for an infusion of ummm..Northern hospitality (yeah, we’ll go with that for now). I realize that male/female interactions in and of themselves can be a bit of a challenge under the best of circumstances..throw in a few regional and cultural differences and it’s not only like we are from Mars and Venus, but from different galaxies altogether. (mine, of COURSE, being the totally normal, sane universe and his being full of nuts, but I digress)

Now, while I can be and often am, an intellectual snot in regard to grammar or in my manner of speech, there are times..albeit few and far between..when my Southern roots and upbringing take over. (I know, it’s a great shock…stick with me on this) It seems that when I get excited, agitated or irritated, I can become a tiny bit regional in the way I express myself. Apparently during these times, I might have an itty bitty tendency to utter a phrase or two that those living above the Mason Dixon line do not employ in their day-to-day communications.

I know, I know!! It’s hard to imagine, but amazingly true. Different areas of the country have trouble understanding the true meaning behind some of our more beloved Southern phrases. Personally, I think we are simply a descriptive, imaginative group of people who just choose to use particularly apt colorful words to express ourselves on occasion. I just don’t see where the confusion comes from. In my eyes, we’re very easy to understand! Fiddle-dee-dee!

I always know that I’ve managed to befuddle the poor man and crossed the communication great divide when I hear a silence on the other end of the phone line, or when I’ve sent a text message and finally get a reply questioning my sanity. Of course, to be fair, he tends to question my sanity with frequent regularity even when I’m making perfect sense. If I’m being totally honest, I will admit that at times (not often, mind you), when I’m visiting New York and Connecticut..I “might” turn on my Southerness a bit more, just for effect. I can’t help it, Yankees are so much fun to play with. It becomes almost a challenge to take some of the stoic out of those that need a stick-ectomy (for those of you that can’t figure that one out, it encompasses taking the stick out of one’s butt and learning to laugh at one’s self rather than being so serious all the time). Besides, I’m constantly fielding requests when there to just “say something” so they can hear my “cute little accent”. So, being the polite compliant belle I am..I oblige them in my own sweet little innocent way!  Bless their hearts.

So, I send a perfectly innocent little text message to the Connecticut Yankee..something along the lines of..

” I swanny (and yes that actually IS a word, albeit a Southern one, you Yankee smartass..she says with great affection) I am going to have to kill you yet..wink”

Okay, that isn’t along the lines of, that IS the actual text message. There is silence for about 5 minutes, then I get this in return from said Yankee..

What the HELL kind of word is that??” 

I then had to send the definition of the word “swanny”, using it in what I thought was a great sentence that entailed describing a certain body part that can be truthfully declared as something I find VERY appealing. For those of you that don’t know, the definition of swanny is to declare, affirm or swear something. I’ll let y’all use your massive imaginations to fill in the blanks about the actual content of my text or to construct your own sentences…I don’t text and tell.

It must take very little to amuse me, because I was literally laughing out loud (and not in an emoticon type of way), but rather in a manner that made everyone on the train from the airport look at me like I had lost my mind. I hate to tell them, but I misplaced any sanity I had a long, LONG time ago and have found I don’t miss my mind at all anymore. I’m better off without it and fixin’ to get even more outrageous with age. I want to be a “character” when I grow up. (i.e.-“She’s a real character, isn’t she?”)

Now I ask you…if you heard these phrases, wouldn’t they bring to mind a picture that is MUCH more descriptive and easy to understand than conventional speech?  Here is just a small sampling of a few things you might hear come from a Southerners mouth…

“she was as ugly as the backside of a barn”… or

“you look like you’ve been ridden hard and put up wet”…

“It smells like something done crawled up here and died!” or

“that girl needs some meat on her bones, bless her heart”…

“we’re smack dab in the middle of something good”

“That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!”

“You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.”

“He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest!”

“Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!”

“Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

“That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob” 

“If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

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I know, by now you’re all fit to be tied and bless your hearts, probably in a tizzy..but butter my buns and call me a biscuit..I just don’t think this is such a conundrum. Dang, most of you are as wild as all get out and this ain’t your first rodeo..so go with the flow and get yourself all gussied up. Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, tomorrow is another day.

Don’t go throwing a hissy fit, it’s not worth getting in a pickle over! Daggumit, Lawd have mercy! Goodness gracious and shoot fire, it ain’t nothing that can’t be fixed with a glass of sweet tea…join me on the porch and we’ll mull it over. Butter would melt in my mouth when I set my mind to somethin’!

Have a good ‘un and y’all come back to see us, you hear?

Now I ask you…HOW simple is that?? It’s JUST plain boring English after all!  Feel free to use any of the above “Southern-isms”.  Don’t mind the occasional strange looks that might follow, they’re just jealous they aren’t so inventive and descriptive!

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Tongue in cheek Disclaimer:  No one living above the Mason Dixon line was targeted or harmed in the writing of this bit of fluff andit is all in fun.  I happen to absolutely adore and delight in the differences of personality that all the regions in our country produce.  It’s a small part of what makes life an interesting adventure.

(For the record, this particular bit of writing seemed to send spell check into a tizzy of its own, apparently IT doesn’t speak plain, simple English either!!)

Only the Good Die Young? 99 and 44/100% Pure

marilynjpeg 

I imagine it depends on what your definition of  what “good” is. 

A little bit of American history died yesterday, but we found out about it today.  She was famous, or more accurately INFAMOUS, for all the “accomplishments” she managed to RACK up during her lifetime.  She literally made it HARD for anyone to not know her name.  When she was good, she was very GOOD in so many bad ways, so I guess that Billy Joel’s theory of dying young is TECHNICALLY correct as to how good one is at execution if you want to put the right spin (or torque) on things. 

Marilyn Chambers was found dead at her home on Sunday, April 12th, at the age of 56 by her daughter.  I didn’t see any cause of death as of yet, although I’m sure many rumors will be bandied about.  Whatever your feelings about erotica or in her case, plain ole in your face porn, you were probably at least aware of her name or contribution to the age of free love throughout the 70’s and 80’s.

Chambers was best known for her role in Behind the Green Door,a film which premiered in 1972 to a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival.  Although she attempted a more normal career in Hollywood, it was not to be.  She found her niche in being naughty and took full advantage of her talent and ass-ets to titillate a generation.

A few facts about Ms. Chambers that you might not know..(pay attention, you never can tell when you’ll need such important knowledge to win a rabid round of Trivial Pursuit, the Porn Edition!)

  • Marilyn was born in Westport, Connecticut in 1952 (just goes to show that you can overcum stoic genes.  She grew up amongst stiff upper lips, then proceeded to make other things stiff her entire life)
  • Her first modeling job was as the mother cradling the innocent baby on the Ivory Snow box with the slogan of being the “99 and 44/100% pure” girl.  She should have gone for that last .66 percent since she was dropped from the campaign once her other “talents” came to light. (Hmmm..could that be where the definition of “slapping and tickin’ the Ivories” came from?)
  • Ms. Chambers appeared in 27 films (ummmm…movies?  I don’t think she was ever nominated by the Academy for an award, although I’m sure she serviced a few of the members)
  • Marilyn was a very patriotic girl.  In 2004 United States Presidential election Chambers ran for Vice President on the Personal Choice Party ticket, a quasi-libertarian party. She received a total of 946 votes. In the 2008 United States presidential election she was again Charles Jay’s running mate, albeit a write in candidate this time.  Hey, she was very interested in servicing her country…the whole country…literally!!!
  • In the film Behind the Green Door, Chambers had sex with the well-endowed African-American actor Johnny Keyes. She also fainted at the end of one scene lasting over 45 minutes. The porn industry and viewing public were shocked by the then-taboo spectacle of a white woman having sex with a black man. (Chambers’ parents refused to talk to her for several years after the film’s release, but eventually reconciled with her).  
  • To make her parents just a little bit more proud, she was supposedly one of the few actresses that could fully deepthroat John Holmes’ erect penis.  Isn’t that what every Mom and Dad hope their daughter will grow up and have listed on her list of accomplishments??  (I wonder what they had on their refrigerator to commemorate her talents??)
  • She was married three times and had one daughter.
  • She was reputedly one of the first porn actresses to have her genitals pierced. (ouchie)

So, in a era of free love, Farrah Fawcett posters and Playboy bunnies parading around the mansion and pages of the magazine, Marilyn Chambers managed to be a stand-out among her peers.  To say she was an American icon, even one of irreputable fame, is accurate.  She helped to shape some of our formative years right along with more “mainstream” actresses such as Diane Keaton in Looking for Mr. Goodbar.  While her contributions were never considered art, they were un-apologetically a commentary of the sexual revolution in our country.

Like her or disapprove of her career or behavior, if you are a baby boomer, you either knew of her or some even learned a few of their current “love” moves from watching her performances.  She will forever GO DOWN in history as someone that shaped a generation, in ways large and small.

These Are The Good Ole Days

anticipation

 

Anticipation.

 

Function: noun
1 the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation
2 visualization of a future event or state

 

These are just a couple of the benign definitions of the word “anticipation”, the clinical version of the word. We learn from an early age to anticipate events in our lives, both good and bad. We start to look forward in life and not backward. Some indications you’re anticipating something special are universal.  That sensation when you feel butterflies in your stomach, the feeling of being on pins and needles..unable to sit still without thought or movement, hoping that time will hurry and pass so that we can get to the “good” stuff, while at the same time praying that time will stand still…we all know the symptoms. I love to enjoy that time and find ways to heighten and savor the curve ahead of a special time.  In doing so, when what I’ve been yearning for so intently is finally happening, it’s not merely good, but spectacular…memorable.

When we are young, we learn to look forward to special treats. Remember the feeling of waking up on a summer’s day and knowing that “sometime” during the course of the afternoon, the ice cream truck might make a trip through your neighborhood? You prepared for it. Made sure that you alerted Mom to the possibility that you’d need money at a moment’s notice. You stayed almost on point, listening for the bell that heralded it’s arrival. You looked forward when you were young to any special treat promised for good behavior. Vacations or trips were planned and before you ever loaded up the car to head out, there had been weeks of preparation and sleepless nights when you absolutely couldn’t wait to leave and get started on your adventure.

If we are really clever, as we get older and travel along life’s paths, we learn how to use anticipation to draw out the time prior to good events we know are upcoming. We use anticipation almost as foreplay in the days leading up to special times we hope to cherish and remember always. We think about what special unexpected things might happen. We ponder the variables that could either enhance or detract from our experience. We dream of what might be, both when we are awake and sleeping. The time seems to crawl, but by the same token…that in itself can be delicious in piquing the senses if done correctly. We anticipate…we feel fully alive. It’s exciting, it’s vital to life itself to look forward to things.

We look forward to our first love, our first kiss. We look forward (hopefully) to our wedding. The birth of our first child is a time of worry, joy and hope.  Those feelings don’t diminish with all the children that follow, they are simply enhanced. We look forward to special vacations, to graduations. We anticipate with excitement and sometimes nervousness our new jobs, new relationships, anniversaries and the promise of a new home .

There are so many things, large and small, in life to look forward to and absolutely savor if we pay attention.  So many events to anticipate if we don’t wish our lives away by hoping that the time we have flies by rather than enjoying the journey to get there.  We need to learn to look at the paths we travel as part of the joy of living, even when times are hard.  Those lessons in anticipating our future and the possibilities it holds are valuable as well.

Some of us remember when Carly Simon brought the word to life in a song. She gave it texture and locked it in our minds, it was a theme song for many teenagers and 20 somethings as to what our lives would hold. (Of course, this was BEFORE the song was forever linked to ketchup slowly oozing it’s way out to give us something thick and tasty to eat…hmmmm, cum to think of it, that IS a great imagery of anticipation! Never mind. *batting my eyes*) Okay, back to my basic point…learn to feel anticipation again.

There are no guarantees in life of how something will turn out, learn to look forward to the possibilities anyway. Keep that childlike magic alive of wanting and yearning for something that is to come so that you don’t grow old and stagnant in your life. Don’t over plan or try to regiment every detail of life as we tend to do as adults.  Instead, try going with the flow and letting your dreams guide you. Take chances and go after the things that are important to you or rare in their occurrence without fear or second guessing.  Even in these difficult times, trust your intuition.

LET yourself feel the butterflies. Be on pins and needles, laugh out loud or share secrets with someone. Beforehand, daydream and “feel” whatever you’re most looking forward to in your most private thoughts. Want it, need it,  and embrace the special time before something special is about to happen, then enjoy the heck out of the actual event. Learn to live in the moment when you can…when the times allow for it, take a few chances. Let go and give yourself permission to reach out and grab what you need or want.

Take time for yourself.  It’s vitally important for both mental and physical health, especially in these trying times.

I know I always will. It’s amazing how time really does fly and the events in life you look forward to, do indeed arrive. Spectacularly.

 

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Anticipation

Carly Simon

 

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I’m really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

And I tell you how easy it is to be with you
And how right your arms feel around me.
But I rehearsed those words just late last night
When I was thinking about how right tonight might be

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

And tomorrow we might not be together
I’m no prophet and I don’t know natures way
But I’ll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here
‘Cause these are the good old days.

Come Play With Me

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I love to play…

with words. (What did you THINK I was going to say?? I don’t kiss and tell! Well, not the details anyway…but I digress.

Okay, back to the subject at hand. Anyone that really knows me, as well as every student I’ve ever had from kindergarten through high school, has heard me speak often and passionately about the art of using language well. I’ve always had a love affair with words, both in written form and the spoken variety of communication. I firmly believe that if you have a good command of language that the world is yours. I believe it opens doors for you that might otherwise be left closed. I KNOW for sure, the way you present yourself through the way you speak…whether to possible employers, friends or potential lovers, often times makes a huge difference in your life or the paths you end up traveling.

I will admit to being “somewhat” of a grammar snob. I’m not sure if it’s the teacher in me, or if I became a teacher to try to improve my little corner of the world where I can…but I will often look at the way someone communicates before I let them too close to me. The constant misuse of words or misspelling of things like “there” and “their” or “your” and “you’re” drives me absolutely nuts. I realize that no one has perfect grammar, even me (stop laughing!! I’m perfect in other areas!)…but if someone obviously takes no care in how they express themselves, I know myself and know that either consciously or unconsciously, I’ll end up distancing myself from them so I don’t start correcting them. (which I still do on occasion when I just can’t stand it anymore)

Beyond that, if you have an interesting vocabulary, it’s just plain sexy. The “art” of flirting is slowly dying. No one takes the time anymore to practice verbal seduction or to use double entrendres that are meant to convey more than one meaning in conversations, either casually or with a more intense intent. Everything seems to be rapidly moving to the obvious, in-your-face type of communication, that frankly tends to leave me cold. Now granted, there ARE times when graphic, raw words are hot…times when they can and are used to enhance situations or to heighten the senses. I too, like to employ those words and phrases. They are not however, over-used in my world. When I utter something in this manner, it’s because I mean business…because they drive the point (so to speak) home with great gusto.

Word play. Some words have texture.  They convey depth just from their mere use. I have so many favorite words. I love to write. I compose everything from love letters, to short stories, to erotic tales. I find great pleasure in putting words together in a way that paints a picture in another person’s imagination when they read them. There are some words that are innocent enough on their surface, but when used can bring to mind images of much more.

You can write that you are  “eating a strawberry”…or instead, you can be about to “savor a succulent, ruby red, ripe strawberry dripping with juice”. (I love the word “succulent”) Some words are so rich and full of potential. They can bring more than one thing to mind when used. You can be “interested” in someone, or “immersed” in them. You can “think” about someone all the time, or instead, you’re “consumed” by the mere thought of them. The difference in what comes to mind is amazing depending on the word or phrases used. The meaning can still be totally innocent, but the possibility of more is there. It makes the mind wander or wonder. It engages the soul and captures the attention of whomever it’s directed at.

Learn to play with your words (ummmm…extra hint here…playing with your food can make for some pretty lively communication too, especially when naked, but that is a subject for another day). Make your conversations interesting. Practice the lost skills of seduction and flirting. If nothing else…try to learn a new word every few days that you can work into a conversation. Use these new skills not only with lovers or partners, but with friends or people at work. You’ll find that people start to look at you differently. Stretch your language skills. Take a few chances…pay attention to your grammar or the way you express yourself.

You might just be surprised at the changes that come your way or in the people that start to pay attention to you that might not have before. If nothing else, you might just have some fun along the way. Employ the flirting in the bedroom or over a romantic dinner.

In the new age of online interactions, don’t be so ridiculously obvious. Don’t come (cum) up to a total stranger online or on a dating site flashing all your goodies (or in the case of many of you, your shortcomings or goods WAY past their expiration date) with an accompanyingoh, so attractive offer of…Wanna F*CK?? Trust me, anyone that takes you up on that right off the bat, is either desperate or challenged in some way. Take a little time, “try” to act as if you might be interested in more than seeing their tits or penis…you never know, you just may find something special. Everything doesn’t have to be serious, but you don’t have to treat potential “conquests” as trivial, disposable objects either. By all means, do NOT lie, but at the same time…don’t be a goober or an insensitive bore either. Learn to use your WORDS!

So boys and girls, go ahead and play amongst yourselves. Whisper something sweet and suggestive either figuratively in prose or by way of the spoken word. Lean in close and take a chance with a well placed clever hint or amusing play on words. Be a rebel. Dare to be intriguing and beguiling. Practice your skill, hone your talent…tantalize and tease…tempt and be tempestuous. Learn how to leave something up for interpretation, leave them guessing as to the possibilities of what could be. Paint vivid, full pictures in the imaginations of those you meet and interact with. At the very least, don’t be predictable, dare to stand out from a very large crowd.

 Put at least the same effort into the manner of your contact with others that you would in choosing your next car or place to live.  In these times where we are depending more and more on electronic modes of socializing with others rather than engagaing in face-to-face interactions that are more vibrant and alive, albeit more work, language skills are even more important.  Don’t be left in the dust. Have the courage to be remarkable and don’t settle for being a pale verision of what you could be.  One more in a herd of those being left behind and losing their basic language skills.

Trust me, we’ll ALL thank you for it.

 

Reality, The Final Frontier

 live-love-laugh

Common Sense has been dying a slow death in our society for years.  However, with growing pressures attacking us from all sides in recent times and economic woes escalating, the slide for those not able to face simple reality in many areas of their lives appears to be on the rise at an alarming rate.

The time has come to try and let a little common sense start to creep back into our lives, even if it’s bit by bit.  It’s time to learn to cope with the new realities in all our lives and with the changes that are here to stay in the world around us all.  It’s a matter of survival and is vital to any sense of happiness and well being we can hope to have. 

Progress toward finding contentment has to begin by paying attention to the ways in which we look at and handle our relationships with others.  Many basic life skills and truths are being abandoned or sacrificed in modern times in favor of wearing blinders to avoid large areas of real life.  That avoidance only serves to ensure we don’t actually have to deal with the emotions or reality present in our lives.  Real change can only begin when you come to the realization that no one can make you happy, but YOU.  To depend on someone else for your sense of self or put the responsibility on others to make yourself happy, is a recipe for disaster.  Happiness by default is an ultimately unattainable goal to reach for.

 

In your life, there will come a time when you have to admit a few things to yourself…if you dare.

 

The sheer force of your will is not enough to cause life around you to always be as you think it should be or in your comfort zone. You can only do what YOU can do in situations, both in your life or in events that concern you.  Ultimately you cannot make anyone else do the things you think they should or the things you need for them to do for your peace of mind. You cannot control everything around you all the time. There will be situations in which you have to trust enough and go with your gut feeling and/or let someone else take the lead, even if you believe it’s not the shortest path to where you need to go or you can’t see the outcome from the beginning. You WILL fail from time to time.  Deal with it and learn to do it gracefully when needed. If you don’t fail, at least now and then, it stands to reason you’re not playing fair somewhere along the line. 

Even someone that loves you or that you love with all your heart, will at times disappoint or hurt you. It’s up to you to decide what you do about it and whether the hurt is a temporary and sometimes necessary curve in the journey, or whether it’s a detour that won’t ever lead to where you want to be. If the person is truly important to you and your life, weigh these choices carefully before you act. Some bridges can never be recrossed once they are traveled over. There will be times though, when enough is enough. Learn to tell the difference.

Not every day will be a good one. Some days will swing from the highest highs to the lowest lows with remarkable speed simply because of an unexpected phrase or thoughtless comment expressed from someone you trust, love or depend on. These comments are probably not thought twice about, much less ever meant to upset you. Try to remember that hurt feelings are not fatal.

Remember when someone acts in ways that confound or confuse you out of the blue, that they might in fact be coming from a place of fear in themselves and their behavior is a protective measure on their part. Don’t always make it about yourself. Stop to consider what else may be going on beneath the surface and why. Also stop to remember why they are in your life in the first place and that you want them there for a reason.

Tell or show people how important they are to you often, just because, and don’t expect the same in return or be hurt if the people around you don’t bestow on you the same courtesy and thoughtfulness. Love and respect can’t be mandated or scheduled for others by you. Love is, at times, only a silent player much like the wind…some days it’s a gale, some days a mere breeze. You can still feel it in every fiber of your being without repeated flashy demonstrations of it’s existence. Learn to appreciate all the subtle nuances of it’s presence as well.  Those nuances are just as precious, sometimes even more memorable.

People love and express love in their own unique, individual ways. None of these ways are perfect, nor can they be judged as right or wrong. Just because someone doesn’t love you exactly the way YOU want them to, it doesn’t mean they aren’t giving you all they are capable of giving. If it’s not enough for YOU, it is then your problem, not theirs. Only you can decide to walk away or not at that point. Don’t get involved with someone expecting to change them or for them to change for you.  Females, as a group, are notorious for this belief.  They then wonder why they are always searching for more.

Whether you consider yourself religious, spiritual or a freak of nature that is on this Earth by mere coincidence of atoms colliding…the Good Book still has some common sense rules of humanity to live by. Treat others as you’d like to be treated, don’t always envy what someone else has and don’t take for granted the good things in your own life..are three of the most important ones to hold close and put into practice.  Karma, fate or destiny (whatever you choose to call it) will indeed come full circle if you choose to tempt it too many times. Don’t cry over spilt milk and never make the mistake of assuming that getting said milk without ever any commitment to the cow will be without consequences.

Bottom line, growing up is not for the faint of heart, neither is maturity. Courage, responsibility and honor are not givens in your character, but are instead developed in the way you choose to live your life and how you treat others.

Try not to be trivial or sleaze your way through life.  Decide to make a difference where you can, while you can. Make your mark on this world instead of being like gum on the bottom of someones shoe.

If these simple common sense concepts are too much for your meager brain to handle or for your corrupt soul to fathom, then trust me…you won’t care for much I have to say if you press me or act like a stupid juvenile when you’re supposed to be all grown up (in years anyway). Playing dumb or trying to be “cute” all the time without ever being real, wears thin very quickly. Have some substance, purpose and backbone in all that you do, even during play.

~Kath

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~The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed the change. Happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.~

Thursday’s Totally Tawdry, Tacky, Titillating & Tempting Tidbits

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It’s a rainy Thursday here in Georgia and as I peruse the latest headlines, it seems as if absurdity is, as usual,  running rampant.  What would we do without a little comic relief to make the world a little more interesting place to live in? 

Remember, the truth IS truly stranger than fiction!!  (or as we say in the South, “You can’t make this sh*t up!!)

 

One of my favorite stories this week comes from Florida.  A woman called 911 in a panic.  Apparently she locked herself INSIDE her car and was starting to get “all woozie and stuff” because it was hot and she couldn’t get out.  According to her, the car wouldn’t start and nothing electrical would work!!

I give kudos to the emergency operator for being able to handle this potentially tragic situation without collapsing from laughter.  She managed to guide the poor soul through manually unlocking her door and the woman was able to escape the death trap of her own car!!  Crisis averted!  Start the blonde jokes now, regardless of the color of her hair.

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A totally “normal” gentleman in Britain was caught naked at a beauty spot with a flashlight stuck up his rear. told cops he was DEPRESSED.  Herbert Boothroyd, 61, said he had wanted to “cheer himself up”.  (UP being the operative word)  As two women passed, he continued cheering himself UP and waved hello.  He later also exposed himself to two teenage boys as he sat completely naked on a park bench.  Mr. Boothroyd was spared jail time however, because the police say he came clean about having the flashlight and stick up his backside, citing depression as he confessed to his transgressions.  He got probation for 2 years and was ordered to attend a sex offenders group. 

Personally I think he should have been banned from hardware stores as well.  He seems to take the term “hardware” to a whole ‘nother level of interpretation.  Something like a kid in a candy store perhaps?  No telling what he might find to relieve himself next time he’s a bit down in the dumps.  (pun intended)

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Back we go to Florida for another sign of the dumbing down of society in general.  In the town of Umatilla, a 37 year old woman was arrested after being accused of beating her 69 year old boyfriend in the head while he was in the shower.  According to the police report, the boyfriend was taking a shower at the Umatilla home when Sandy Jo ripped the shower curtain off the rod and began screaming at him, accusing him of having an affair with another woman.  He didn’t report the incident for a couple of days (ummm..perhaps because he had been beaten up by a girl AND caught having an affair??)  As she was taken off to jail, Sandy Jo said she should have hit him harder and was going to get even with him for cheating AND for having her arrested.

I’m betting Viagra had a little something to do with a 69 year old male not only playing house with a psychotic 37 year old, but also feeling cocky enough to bump boots with another woman as well.  Moral of the story?  Don’t come home drinking and cheatin’ with lovin’ on your mind!  (Or take a shower without an armed guard)

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 It seems as if there has to be a condition or acronym for everything these days.  Apparently it’s not good enough anymore to be a nymphomaniac, now you have PSAS or as it’s more commonly known, Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.  Men, I’m sorry, you can’t claim this syndrome, it’s exclusively a woman thing (as if we need one more thing!)  Of course, I’m sure men everywhere will now try to benefit and form support groups to “comfort” and be there for any woman afflicted with this condition.  Y’all are good like that.

This alarming condition (that wasn’t “discovered” until 1991?)  is one that causes some women to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm.  I saw it described as absolutely “nightmarish”,  I guess by the women, but I suppose the men that had to service them might find it a bit taxing at times too.  I have a hard time thinking that the men would describe it as a nightmare..maybe a dream cum true instead?

Two thoughts come to mind…well, to MY mind anyway. 

One,  maybe the men that take Viagra and have the dreaded erections that last for more than 4 hours (or priapism) should be matched with women that “suffer” from PSAS.  Problem solved. 

Two, if you have this condition, I’d buy stock in the Dollar Tree.  Just the “up” surge in battery sales from taking care of this would ensure a massive rise in their bottom line!   In both cases, my ideas would at the very least keep  everyone going and going and going! 😉

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The much maligned Washington, DC school districts are not doing their own image any good.   They just can’t help shooting themselves in the foot.  Oh wait though, aren’t guns outlawed in DC?  I digress, back to the school system.

The school board came out this week with new tougher guidelines for the school dress code.  They REALLY mean it this time too!  Are they bringing in school uniforms?  Oh no!  Hats, see-through clothes and accessories with protruding metal spikes are some of the items that are prohibited in the expanded policies. The new policy does NOT however, allow officials to suspend students who do not comply.   Boy, that’s a policy with bite huh??

They did also say that school officials should be prepared to provide extra clothes for those that cannot afford new ones.  It specifies that it should be “gender neutral” clothing. 

Personally I’m thinking if anyone wears clothes with metal spikes or that is see through, they should be REQUIRED to wear gender opposite clothing and be on display.  A day of cross dressing just might make them think twice about their outfits in the future.   On second thought, with today’s teenagers, it might start a trend.  Never mind.

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With the world economy in the state it’s in, this story is absolutely “heartwarming” to those of us with college age kids.   Colleges in the South have always been notoriously competitive.  Everyone knows that you don’t mess with the SEC when it comes to college football!! 

Alabama and Auburn are fighting for the title of most likely to raise tuition this year. 

Auburn trustees announced that they spent $500,000 this fiscal year to fly administrators and trustees on their TWO private corporate jets to wherever the heck they flew them to. (Important football games and such I’m sure) 

Alabama couldn’t quite match their feat.  They only have one jet (must be because football probation cut into their income the past few years), so they were only able to waste…ummmm, spend…30,500 in travel and their trustees were rarely on board for any flights.

These are two universities we are trusting to turn out the future fiscally responsible leaders for the coming years.  With these stellar examples being set by their bastions of higher education, what could go wrong??

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 Last but certainly not least, a little advice for the men from a couple of newly completed studies that have recently published their results.  (I can’t believe our tax money actually pays for some of this)  Okay, here we go…

First..if you’re bald, there is now proof that you aren’t scoring as often as your counterparts with hair.  MEN with a full head of hair are five times more likely to get a date than those who are thinning on top, a study shows. 

This study was conducted by posting identical profiles on an online dating site where the only difference was the photo of the male.  One photo showed a male with a full head of hair, the other with the same male sans hair.  Over the next two months, the profile with hair received 108 replies, while the bald counterpart only had 22 responses.  An expert in such things has suggested that it might be attributed to the fact that hair is associated in nature and history with virility.  (think Samson in the Bible)  Take it with a grain of salt (or a wig)

Study #2 pertains to a sense of humor.  Having trouble getting the ladies to fall into your bed?  Try cracking a few jokes!!  I kid you not!!! (nudge, nudge…get it??). 

It has been shown and allegedly proven (at least a time or two) that funny men laugh ladies into bed because they’re seen as ‘more intelligent’.  A study has found that a sense of humor “makes men seem more intelligent, trustworthy, and a better bet for a relationship”.  Imagine that! 

Personal ads were drawn up for the study and women were asked to rate them and choose the men they would most likely answer or want to date.  The men that showed a sense of humor in their ads were rated as more intelligent, despite the fact that the ads contained no clues as to their IQ.  They were also seen as more honest and better material for a relationship and for friendship.

 

So, in closing…I conclude that all is not lost for anyone that might be starting to thin on top or be completely bald.  The answer is obvious!  If you’re not getting laid, rent some 3 Stooges videos and brush up on your yuck (as in HA, HA) factor. (as opposed to an actual yuck, stalkerish or unfaithful qualities of course, those personality quirks just might get you arrested or beaten up by your girlfriend rather than laid ..reference story #1)  I’m thinking that sense of humor would trump the bald study thingy hands down.  Problem solved for all!

 Hmmmm…maybe I should receive a grant for doing a remarkably exhaustive “study” and giving such sage excellent advice that solves all of our dating woes!!  After all, I’m worth it! 

 

This concludes our Thursday Totally Tawdy, Tacky, Titillating & Tempting Tidbits for this week. 

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A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

flirting101

A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

 

(Disclaimer: Not meant for the Habitual Collector of Conquests…Players Are On Their Own When It Comes To Making Total Fools of Yourself and Others)

 

Flirting has apparently become a lost art. While it’s true that some still appreciate and know how to employ the subtle nuances and intricate dance of approaching someone in a flattering and intriguing manner, of knowing that less is indeed more…it appears more and more as I look around, that flirting is quickly approaching being added to the endangered relationship quality control list. Admittedly..flirting, if done correctly, is a little more difficult. It takes time and thought to actually summon up some imagination, rather than to act like a lounge lizard or truck stop Sally in heat sweet talking as many potential play buddies as you can at one time in the hopes that possibly ONE of them might swallow your lines.

This applies to both women and men. While it’s true, a lot of men would be receptive to a woman offering themselves to them, the old adage is also true. Men do indeed love to date fast women, but when it comes to taking them seriously for anything long term, most will still pick someone that can be a tiger in the bedroom, but one that can be a lady when needed in public. Many women seem to equate a man’s interest in sleeping with them as true love.

I’m sorry to burst your passion bubble, and this really applies to men and women both as well, but having sex with someone and expecting them to fall madly in love with you simply BECAUSE you’ve shared your body with them, is doing the whole relationship thingy backwards and is totally unrealistic. While I’m sure some of you ladies can indeed suck the chrome off a trailer hitch or that you gentlemen are literal non-stop jackhammers of passion, after the sex is over, there has to be more there. You might ACTUALLY have to talk to the other person or deal with life issues.

So, here are a few suggestions at online flirting do’s and don’ts…in no particular order.  There are also a few embedded comments in bold that I’ve actually received over time from those that are under the illusion that they might be Don Juan reincarnated.  Suffice it to say, none of them elicited more than an eye roll.  Trust me, some of this I couldn’t make up if I tried.

 

1. The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone. If your ‘target’ knows that you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you. The wrong way to do this is to send a message such as “you so hot love to poor warm fudge all over you yum I like to add you to my friends list so we can chat.” Now while the warm fudge sounds appealing if you’re offering to buy me ice cream..coming from a total stranger, it will just make most roll their eyes or laugh outloud. 

 

2. Effective flirting really is a skill that requires you to be confident without being over the top. If you overstep your boundaries, it’s very likely that the lady will think that you are “slimy”. If you hold back, it’s probable that she’ll find you “wimpy”. Ladies, the line that you’re walking should be somewhere between “slutty” and “nun like”. Aim for the middle ground. Do not begin contact with someone new by sending them a lovely picture of your meat mallet or love pillows and expect anyone that isn’t pay-by-the-hour, ripe for sexually transmitted diseases, or looking for the affection (insert potential stalker here) they were denied as a child to respond in a serious manner. Do not get offended if there are those that instead of ignoring you, point out your shortcomings or sag-ability factor. You asked for it.

 

3. Ooze confidence (and no other bodily fluids). Successful flirts have a positive outlook on life. You need to transmit that “feel good” factor. No one wants to pay attention if you’re always screaming that the sky is falling or that someone peed on your parade.

 

4. Don’t be rude. Flirting does not give you the right to be sexually explicit nor does it mean that you should take offense if your target doesn’t respond favorably to you. If they isn’t interested in your particular way of wooing, save yourself the trouble and move on to your next prospect. If you find that you’re receiving many rejections, you will want to reconsider your approach. Bottom line is, if you wouldn’t say it in real life to someone of the opposite sex, it’s not appropriate or appealing online simply because you’re pulling out your male whore or female slut side and letting it rule and you think it doesn’t count because you’ll probably never see them face to face. Or if you do end up bumping uglies, that you’d never have to see them again.

 

5. Sincerely compliment something that interests you about them. If you are truly interested in someone, there will be something nice that you can find to say and mean it without using empty words. This is an example of one such approach that starts out okay (for the most part), but then crashes and burns in a spectacular. “My name is Clint. I’m not sure how to say this but Ill just do what I always do, speak my mind.. I think you are a very sensual and sexual Lady. I don’tmean to be vulgar or offend you in any way but d*mn babe I would so love to taste you. Have a great day.

 

Take note…apologizing before or after an inappropriate comment is like closing the barn door after the horse has already been knocked up…not worth much. An apology for saying something you already know is wrong is just stupid and shows that you have no concept of what is appealing or not to the opposite sex.

While we’re on the subject, it’s probably also not a good idea to mention your spouse (wife or husband) in a complimentary message to someone you want to impress. For example…”i wish my wife had a body like you let me say you have a fit body i think you exercise every day.” *rolling my eyes* (See “being a sleeze” above)

 

 

6. When you decide to flirt or flat out present yourself to someone new as one that might be interesting or of worth, find a spell-checker or get someone that has a passing relationship with grammar to proof-read it for you. Nothing is less appealing than appearing to be ignorant, whether you really are or not. An example…”Eyes closed:-$,heart beating fast8-}…..arms trightly held around ur body pressed mine…>:D<….slowly gently ur sweet lips brush with mine:-*:x:x“.

Bonus tip: Try to actually spell out words without using chat abbreviations and remember if you’re not talking on messenger, those “cute” little emoticon things just look ridiculous if typed out in a message…especially coming from a total stranger.

 

 

7. While I know it’s tempting and fairly easy, especially online, to find one babe/hunk you like and then go through their entire list  of friends, putting the same smarmy comment on every hot person’s page you see and begging them to add you because THEY are the one…the epitome of everything you find attractive in a potential conquest…it’s just not very smart and makes you look lazy and/or insincere! *gasp!!* I know, I know…it’s hard to believe that ANYONE online wouldn’t be totally sincere with each and every syllable typed, but yes, I hear it does happen. Not that I’VE personally ever seen it, maybe it’s an urban legend, right along with the fact that pigs don’t fly and that sarcasm isn’t a form of communication and conveys true feelings. If you must go through lists, mining for your targets, at least be original when you post comments. I know it’s hard to believe, but your victim, “might” actually notice a pattern.

 

 

8. Humor IS sexy. Not just the forwarding of jokes, but things that show you have a personality or the ability to laugh at yourself. Humor and flirting go hand in hand, just like peanut butter and jelly. You can’t have one without the other. If you’re too intense all the time, that’s a red flag, not a sign of your devotion.

I, of course, am the exception to this rule. After I had to put to rest that NASTY online rumor that I was FUN or that I had a sense of humor (can you imagine someone saying such things about me??) a few weeks back, I can’t afford to have that misconception get started again!! I mean imagine, me?? Fun??? Just ask the Yankee. *wink*

 

 

9. Don’t try so hard. There are times when hard is a good thing *wink*..but when you’re flirting, that’s not it. Men or women, when trying to crawl over each other to outslut each other with comments or pictures, just shows that you must be lacking in one or more areas of your life. While I know the reasons some give on here for using fake pictures, none of them hold water. I don’t care if you are worried about someone stealing your picture, put one up of your face that’s not anything you’d be ashamed of someone you know seeing, then if someone uses it, so the hell what? The world will still be spinning tomorrow. It’s just not that big of a deal unless you make it a big deal. Of course, some want the attention of crying foul and getting sympathy.

If you’re butt ugly, but speaking as if you’re God’s Gift to the opposite sex, that’s just false advertising. If you’re that ashamed of yourself, then retreat back into real life and quit leading people on.

The “I have an important job and/or don’t want to take the chance of compromising myself” or “I’ll send it privately because I don’t want anyone to see me” excuse is just pathetic. First of all, you’re just not that important. Secondly, the FBI may indeed wander through here, but it’s highly unlikely you’ll catch their eye unless you’re a 10 most wanted, in which case, your picture is already displayed at the Post Office. I hear these excuses and automatically think…married or hiding from something/someone or a coward.

Obviously I don’t think that tasteful sexy pictures are a bad thing or a bad way of flirting, just remember the basic guidelines…less is more..always leave ’em wanting more, discretion is a good thing, and imagination is always more sexy than the in your face plopping of the boob=age or sausage up front like the blue plate special of the day. That leaves no room for building anticipation and you may just find that first sight is more than enough to make someone positive you’re NOT the “one” from the unattractive appearance of your pride and joy(s).  Oh, it might be wise to remember that it’s possible your boss, parents, children, or neighbors just might end up seeing more of you than you’d intended.

 

 

10. You only get one chance to make a first impression..make it a good one. Ask questions to show your interest that don’t include wanting to know the size of their ummmmmm…hands or feet…or how many midgets could fit in their bra. (trying to guess cup size for a prize, does not count as a good question).

Use respect and manners. If you wouldn’t approach a total stranger face to face and ask or say something, assume it’s probably not going to get you laid or make you into an instant sex symbol here either unless you find someone that is willing to play you as well. In that case, as long as there is full disclosure on both sides of the intention to bat each other around like mice in heat, by all means…proceed with my blessing. Use each other until someone easier comes along.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all. Contrary to popular belief, insulting someone to get their attention is probably not the best form of foreplay. I could be wrong though, there are many kinky things that appeal to the masses these days that I’m obviously not privy to, nor do I want to be.

 

 

I was going to stop at 10, but here’s one Bonus…

11. When attempting to flirt…do not…I repeat, DO NOT, bug the sh*t out of someone with a million messages. If they reply politely to one with a nice “no thank you”, then don’t continue to pursue them. It makes you look like a stalker and just isn’t very flirty. There isn’t much in this life worse than a pest. This will start to fall into the annoying category if continued. In that case, the “stalkee” has every right to abandon all manners and let you have it with both barrels rather than with what you’re asking for. Persistence in the face of some expression of interest, is okay. Sometimes people don’t pay attention right away. When persistence turns to obsession, then it’s pretty much a turn off. (or a felony) While one message is good, 50 is NOT more better. (yes, I DID write it that way on purpose, for effect…geez)

 

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Flirting is what makes love or the possibility of love/lust/friendship exciting…whether you’re married and flirting with a spouse, harmlessly flirting with a friend or single and looking. The ability to flirt is the single most important love life skill that every person needs to master. When you are a true Flirt at heart, you can have the love life of your dreams for the rest of your life.   Or you may simply get to experience some smiles and enjoy the inner workings of someone else’s personality and thought processes. To some flirting comes naturally. To others, it’s a bit more work and effort to pull it off. The rewards are worth it. Slow down and TRY to use a little common sense and imagination.

~Kath~

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~All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.~ Marya Mannes