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Is There Ever a Perfect Way to Say Goodbye?

I said my final formal public goodbye to my Mom today. I’ve too soon joined the ranks of those that have lost a parent, a day I had long dreaded coming. I find there is an empty space in my life that I knew would be there when the inevitable occurred, but I had miscalculated just how sharp the loss of her grace and wit and feistiness would be.  You believe you know all the feelings that will hit you, but until you experience them, you just don’t.

Mom had been sick for quite a long time. She was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis at age 35. She lived exactly half her life battling this devastating disease. Over the years, there were numerous surgeries as her body betrayed her and attacked itself, yet she went on and found ways to adjust her course to accommodate her ever-increasing limitations.  We watched and helped as we could as she struggled to accept that she couldn’t do all she wanted to get done without asking for help.  As the years went by, my dad became her caretaker and made sure she was always able to do the things that were most important to her.  He would move mountains and with the help of my sister and myself, we usually found ways to give aid to her schemes and plans and wishes to remain as independent and active as she could be.  So she did, right up until a few weeks ago when her body finally started to wear out.

 We should have lost her two years ago.  Her body was increasingly less cooperative and she was becoming more limited in her abilities to do even the most simple tasks by herself.  On my middle child’s birthday on a clear September day in 2008, I received a call from my Dad that had us all running to the hospital to be by his side.  Mom’s colon had burst and her weak body was being rushed into emergency surgery.  In the years proceeding this event, she needed surgery for other problems before this that had been vetoed because the doctors didn’t think she could have a good outcome or recovery.  This time there was no choice, poison was pouring into her body.  The surgeon, a man I went to high school with, came out after repairing what he could of the damage and told her prognosis was grim.  For four full weeks, we sat beside her bed in the ICU with little hope but much faith and slowly, against all odds, she started the long road back to recovery.  The battle took its toll on her already weak body, but watching her resolve and determination to recover and not leave us yet was an amazing thing to watch.  She struggled back and not only came out of the hospital, but managed to do it and not lose her spark or sense of humor.  She was still the boss..or as she liked to jokingly refer to herself, the Queen Bee.

 Many things happened over the next two years.  Yes, she struggled.  There were many challenges that I don’t know how Dad and Mom weathered at times.  There were doctor visits by the boatload and falls that had to be recovered from.  When she couldn’t walk unassisted or feed herself, my Dad would step in and make sure she continued to keep faith and keep moving.  Through her strong will, even though she was so tired of fighting a life that she never expected, she continued to live a life with grace and we built more memories and got to mend bridges or share stories that would have been lost if not for those extra years.

Great things happened during those two years.  My sister had only just found out in 2008 when Mom underwent her emergency surgery that she was pregnant with twins.  Mom lived not only to see them born, but for the first 17 months of their lives.  She saw them christened and their first birthday.  She also got to instill so many more memories and mischief with my sister’s four-year old as well.  My children, while approaching adulthood, weren’t ready to let their favorite person in the world go two years ago either.  She had many more words of wisdom and humor to pass along to them as well.  They adored their Grandmama and I told them that this time we had been gifted was to make memories with each and every encounter.  We had two more Christmases at her house that were always fun and loud and unpredictably special, full of family and love. She and my Dad got to celebrate their 50th anniversary.  Two years ago she still had things to do and wasn’t ready to leave us all yet.

This year she started to prepare us for her leaving, although at the time we didn’t really realize it..but she knew.  For Mother’s Day, my sister and I both received cards that she had made (with Dad’s help) complete with all the things in original poems that she wanted us to keep in our heart from hers and for us to know and remember.  She said it was her “swan song” and we, as always, told her she’d be around for a while yet…but she knew.  She hadn’t been able to write for a long time due to the twisted fingers her disease had wrought, but she still managed to find a way to do what she needed to do.  I believe she was working through her list and finishing up what was important to her.  She was weak, yet managed to travel down to my sister’s house and deliver a HUGE water slide for a last special surprise from Meme.  She bought my 15-year-old daughter a last special birthday present and during the summer made sure to convey her pride and confidence to Abby, priceless for a teenage girl.  She spent special time with my boys and played with my sister’s young twins, watching them learn to walk and giving advice when they went through a biting stage (and at the same time, delighting in the fact that they were going to be handfuls).  She knew…we just didn’t catch on quite yet that this time she wasn’t just kidding us.

A few weeks ago, we knew something was wrong.  She was weak and tired, as she frequently was, but this felt different.  Although we all tried to tell ourselves that this was just one more crisis that she always pulled out of time and time again, somehow I think we all knew that it might be more.  On July 20th I went down to my parents house and told Dad it was finally time to take her to the hospital to have things checked out.  They admitted her straight to the ICU that night and she never left.  This time her body just proved too frail and she had no more reserve to fight the fight she had been struggling with for so many years.

For a few days, it seemed as if she might rally, but then she started having more severe problems.  Six days after being admitted, she was placed on a ventilator.  We as her family knew that we didn’t want her to suffer and linger if there was no chance that she could recover to the point where she would have some independence and quality of life, she had been through so much and fought for so long, a nursing home was not an option.  After a few days, we made the painful decision to remove all the artificial means keeping her stable and let her go.  My Dad told me that it was the hardest thing we’d ever do in our lives and he was right.  Even knowing it was the absolute right thing to do, the final decision was heartrending.  We removed the respirator at 3:30 on July30th and seven hours later, she peacefully passed away with those that loved her surrounding her.

 I’ve imagined this moment coming for most of my life.  Mom had so many struggles and always came out the other end, perhaps weaker, but still with her will and humor intact.  This time it was not to be.  It was time to let her go.

The past few weeks have been a blur..first with the long hours spent talking and then attending her bedside, then the tough days of arranging for a goodbye she would have approved of, yet you always hope you’ll never have to say.  I’m a bit numb.  The emotions run the gambit from sorrow to joy at happy memories, to the pain of loss.  The sorrow I feel is for myself, I know she’s in a better place and it was time.  I’m selfishly missing her council and wisdom and even her more stern advice if she thought I needed it.  I have her tucked away safely in my heart and have even caught myself talking to her these past few days, but miss her voice answering mine.  I see her influence everywhere I look.  In the faces of my children, in an antique we searched for together when I was younger and in the rock solid foundation and belief system both of my parents instilled in me.  I know I’ll be okay.  I also know that something precious is now missing from my life in the form I was accustomed to having it.

As I greeted friends and family today at her memorial service, I was once again reminded (not that I had forgotten) just how special and caring both my parents are.  The outpouring of friends of several decades and the loyalty felt eased my heart.  I managed just a few tears as we celebrated her life and the fact that she feels for the first time in decades, no more pain and is with other long-lost family in heaven.  I felt the love and support of the people who I grew up with and my parents friends seep in and warm my spirit.

My Mom was a special woman and will be missed by so many, but her family feels her loss most of all.  She was the heart of our family and my sister and I will find ways to keep her traditions alive.  They may adapt over time, but they will be purely inspired by Mama.  She was full of life and humor and at times, anger at her condition.  None of this stopped her from living and getting as much of her “to do” list done before she felt as if she could leave us.  It was too soon…but it would have always been too soon. 

She would have turned 70 the end of August.  We shared a birthday..well, almost, we were a day apart.  I will keenly feel this year her loss as it approaches.  I have always joked that she spent her 21st birthday in labor with me.  She would retort that I was too stubborn and missed “our” birthday by an hour.  I would have liked for her to have seen 70.  Next year when I turn 50 will be especially tough.  She would have loved to make sure I was properly treated to an endless supply of reminders that I’m no longer a spring chicken and I would have loved every minute of it. 

It will be hard to carry on without her, but we will.  She instilled a strong spirit and so many traditions in those that she loved.  I have her personality and that brings me happiness.  We’ll find ways to include her spirit in all that we do.  I’ll watch my children continue to grow into their adult years with pride and I’ll give voice to her wisdom and common sense when I feel they need it.  I’ll watch my sister’s children grow and take joy in making sure I continue the mischief and fun that Mom would be proud of.  I do have a lot of payback to give my sister anyway over things that she gave my children when they were young that were either breathing or massively messy and/or noisy..so this gives me an excuse to make Mama proud.

So today I’m lonely and find that it’s the small things that are making me sad and a bit lonely even though I’m surrounded by my family.  The sadness will pass, but there will always be something missing.  I’ll miss her voice, her smile and her pure spunk that kept us all going.  It’s amazing that no matter what our age we, the loss of a parent makes us feel like a scared child again for a while that has a piece missing and isn’t sure quite where our center is.  It’s an unsettling feeling, a feeling of not having a rudder.  You know that you’ll carry on, but also realize that it won’t be easy to assume the role your parent had filled.

I was raised with a strong sense of faith.  I have a foundation of strength that comes from an unwavering belief in God.  Mom needed a new body, she had earned it, but she couldn’t get it here.  She’s in a better place and I’m sure is redecorating and getting to do lists ready for those of us that will one day follow.  Until then, my sister and I will take care of Dad (not that he needs it, he put a “no hovering” rule in place that we will ignore) and make sure his loneliness is eased in ways that we can.  We’ll make more memories and cherish the ones that we already have.

I love you Mom and miss you.  Keep talking to me in little ways, I’ll be paying attention and keeping you with me.

Is there ever a perfect way to say goodbye to someone who gave you life?  No.  We did what she would have wanted today though.  We were strong and supportive and celebrated her life in several special ways and added the homemade touches that were legendary amongst her friends…continuing a tradition and starting a few new ones.

Mama would have been proud today I believe..and in the end, that’s perfect.  That’s all that matters.  The rest I’ll deal with day-to-day as it comes and cherish each moment.

Today I said goodbye, but not farewell forever.  I’ll see her again when it’s time.  Until then we’ll all carry on and keep her memory and legends of her antics alive and well.  Gone too soon, but never forgotten.  She left us a LOT of material to work with and remember..and remember we will.

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America Rising – An Open Letter To Democrats

When this video first surfaced a few weeks ago, I thought it was well done and prophetic of things to come. Given the events of the past week, even more so now.

I didn’t vote for what is happening to our country. While I didn’t like the choices for President in 2008, I voted for John McCain. In the spirit of full disclosure, I am a conservative that has occasional libertarian leanings on some issues. I have never in my life been remotely considered to be a liberal. I fear the moves being made in our Nation’s capital that continue to erode our country in ways that a few years ago would have been unimaginable. MY hope and change is that people are finally paying attention and opening their eyes…that they are no longer silent.

That said, I applaude this video put together by those that are now seeing the damage being done to our country and that are having “buyers remorse”. While I wish as citizens we weren’t being subjected to some of the unnecessary hardships being amplified by bad government, it’s better late than never to realize one’s mistakes and move to correct them.

For all our sakes, I almost wish the Democrats continue to pay no attention to the will of those that elected them to SERVE, not dictate, with their unpopular, ill-advised and un-wanted legislation that is killing our way of life and that of our future generations.

The day of reckoning is coming.  As I tell my students, there are consequences for each and every choice we make, each action we put into motion.  It’s past time the lawmakers in this country learned that they will be held accountable for each decision they make.

They work for the people, and the people can fire them.

Come Play With Me

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I love to play…

with words. (What did you THINK I was going to say?? I don’t kiss and tell! Well, not the details anyway…but I digress.

Okay, back to the subject at hand. Anyone that really knows me, as well as every student I’ve ever had from kindergarten through high school, has heard me speak often and passionately about the art of using language well. I’ve always had a love affair with words, both in written form and the spoken variety of communication. I firmly believe that if you have a good command of language that the world is yours. I believe it opens doors for you that might otherwise be left closed. I KNOW for sure, the way you present yourself through the way you speak…whether to possible employers, friends or potential lovers, often times makes a huge difference in your life or the paths you end up traveling.

I will admit to being “somewhat” of a grammar snob. I’m not sure if it’s the teacher in me, or if I became a teacher to try to improve my little corner of the world where I can…but I will often look at the way someone communicates before I let them too close to me. The constant misuse of words or misspelling of things like “there” and “their” or “your” and “you’re” drives me absolutely nuts. I realize that no one has perfect grammar, even me (stop laughing!! I’m perfect in other areas!)…but if someone obviously takes no care in how they express themselves, I know myself and know that either consciously or unconsciously, I’ll end up distancing myself from them so I don’t start correcting them. (which I still do on occasion when I just can’t stand it anymore)

Beyond that, if you have an interesting vocabulary, it’s just plain sexy. The “art” of flirting is slowly dying. No one takes the time anymore to practice verbal seduction or to use double entrendres that are meant to convey more than one meaning in conversations, either casually or with a more intense intent. Everything seems to be rapidly moving to the obvious, in-your-face type of communication, that frankly tends to leave me cold. Now granted, there ARE times when graphic, raw words are hot…times when they can and are used to enhance situations or to heighten the senses. I too, like to employ those words and phrases. They are not however, over-used in my world. When I utter something in this manner, it’s because I mean business…because they drive the point (so to speak) home with great gusto.

Word play. Some words have texture.  They convey depth just from their mere use. I have so many favorite words. I love to write. I compose everything from love letters, to short stories, to erotic tales. I find great pleasure in putting words together in a way that paints a picture in another person’s imagination when they read them. There are some words that are innocent enough on their surface, but when used can bring to mind images of much more.

You can write that you are  “eating a strawberry”…or instead, you can be about to “savor a succulent, ruby red, ripe strawberry dripping with juice”. (I love the word “succulent”) Some words are so rich and full of potential. They can bring more than one thing to mind when used. You can be “interested” in someone, or “immersed” in them. You can “think” about someone all the time, or instead, you’re “consumed” by the mere thought of them. The difference in what comes to mind is amazing depending on the word or phrases used. The meaning can still be totally innocent, but the possibility of more is there. It makes the mind wander or wonder. It engages the soul and captures the attention of whomever it’s directed at.

Learn to play with your words (ummmm…extra hint here…playing with your food can make for some pretty lively communication too, especially when naked, but that is a subject for another day). Make your conversations interesting. Practice the lost skills of seduction and flirting. If nothing else…try to learn a new word every few days that you can work into a conversation. Use these new skills not only with lovers or partners, but with friends or people at work. You’ll find that people start to look at you differently. Stretch your language skills. Take a few chances…pay attention to your grammar or the way you express yourself.

You might just be surprised at the changes that come your way or in the people that start to pay attention to you that might not have before. If nothing else, you might just have some fun along the way. Employ the flirting in the bedroom or over a romantic dinner.

In the new age of online interactions, don’t be so ridiculously obvious. Don’t come (cum) up to a total stranger online or on a dating site flashing all your goodies (or in the case of many of you, your shortcomings or goods WAY past their expiration date) with an accompanyingoh, so attractive offer of…Wanna F*CK?? Trust me, anyone that takes you up on that right off the bat, is either desperate or challenged in some way. Take a little time, “try” to act as if you might be interested in more than seeing their tits or penis…you never know, you just may find something special. Everything doesn’t have to be serious, but you don’t have to treat potential “conquests” as trivial, disposable objects either. By all means, do NOT lie, but at the same time…don’t be a goober or an insensitive bore either. Learn to use your WORDS!

So boys and girls, go ahead and play amongst yourselves. Whisper something sweet and suggestive either figuratively in prose or by way of the spoken word. Lean in close and take a chance with a well placed clever hint or amusing play on words. Be a rebel. Dare to be intriguing and beguiling. Practice your skill, hone your talent…tantalize and tease…tempt and be tempestuous. Learn how to leave something up for interpretation, leave them guessing as to the possibilities of what could be. Paint vivid, full pictures in the imaginations of those you meet and interact with. At the very least, don’t be predictable, dare to stand out from a very large crowd.

 Put at least the same effort into the manner of your contact with others that you would in choosing your next car or place to live.  In these times where we are depending more and more on electronic modes of socializing with others rather than engagaing in face-to-face interactions that are more vibrant and alive, albeit more work, language skills are even more important.  Don’t be left in the dust. Have the courage to be remarkable and don’t settle for being a pale verision of what you could be.  One more in a herd of those being left behind and losing their basic language skills.

Trust me, we’ll ALL thank you for it.

 

A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

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A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

 

(Disclaimer: Not meant for the Habitual Collector of Conquests…Players Are On Their Own When It Comes To Making Total Fools of Yourself and Others)

 

Flirting has apparently become a lost art. While it’s true that some still appreciate and know how to employ the subtle nuances and intricate dance of approaching someone in a flattering and intriguing manner, of knowing that less is indeed more…it appears more and more as I look around, that flirting is quickly approaching being added to the endangered relationship quality control list. Admittedly..flirting, if done correctly, is a little more difficult. It takes time and thought to actually summon up some imagination, rather than to act like a lounge lizard or truck stop Sally in heat sweet talking as many potential play buddies as you can at one time in the hopes that possibly ONE of them might swallow your lines.

This applies to both women and men. While it’s true, a lot of men would be receptive to a woman offering themselves to them, the old adage is also true. Men do indeed love to date fast women, but when it comes to taking them seriously for anything long term, most will still pick someone that can be a tiger in the bedroom, but one that can be a lady when needed in public. Many women seem to equate a man’s interest in sleeping with them as true love.

I’m sorry to burst your passion bubble, and this really applies to men and women both as well, but having sex with someone and expecting them to fall madly in love with you simply BECAUSE you’ve shared your body with them, is doing the whole relationship thingy backwards and is totally unrealistic. While I’m sure some of you ladies can indeed suck the chrome off a trailer hitch or that you gentlemen are literal non-stop jackhammers of passion, after the sex is over, there has to be more there. You might ACTUALLY have to talk to the other person or deal with life issues.

So, here are a few suggestions at online flirting do’s and don’ts…in no particular order.  There are also a few embedded comments in bold that I’ve actually received over time from those that are under the illusion that they might be Don Juan reincarnated.  Suffice it to say, none of them elicited more than an eye roll.  Trust me, some of this I couldn’t make up if I tried.

 

1. The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone. If your ‘target’ knows that you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you. The wrong way to do this is to send a message such as “you so hot love to poor warm fudge all over you yum I like to add you to my friends list so we can chat.” Now while the warm fudge sounds appealing if you’re offering to buy me ice cream..coming from a total stranger, it will just make most roll their eyes or laugh outloud. 

 

2. Effective flirting really is a skill that requires you to be confident without being over the top. If you overstep your boundaries, it’s very likely that the lady will think that you are “slimy”. If you hold back, it’s probable that she’ll find you “wimpy”. Ladies, the line that you’re walking should be somewhere between “slutty” and “nun like”. Aim for the middle ground. Do not begin contact with someone new by sending them a lovely picture of your meat mallet or love pillows and expect anyone that isn’t pay-by-the-hour, ripe for sexually transmitted diseases, or looking for the affection (insert potential stalker here) they were denied as a child to respond in a serious manner. Do not get offended if there are those that instead of ignoring you, point out your shortcomings or sag-ability factor. You asked for it.

 

3. Ooze confidence (and no other bodily fluids). Successful flirts have a positive outlook on life. You need to transmit that “feel good” factor. No one wants to pay attention if you’re always screaming that the sky is falling or that someone peed on your parade.

 

4. Don’t be rude. Flirting does not give you the right to be sexually explicit nor does it mean that you should take offense if your target doesn’t respond favorably to you. If they isn’t interested in your particular way of wooing, save yourself the trouble and move on to your next prospect. If you find that you’re receiving many rejections, you will want to reconsider your approach. Bottom line is, if you wouldn’t say it in real life to someone of the opposite sex, it’s not appropriate or appealing online simply because you’re pulling out your male whore or female slut side and letting it rule and you think it doesn’t count because you’ll probably never see them face to face. Or if you do end up bumping uglies, that you’d never have to see them again.

 

5. Sincerely compliment something that interests you about them. If you are truly interested in someone, there will be something nice that you can find to say and mean it without using empty words. This is an example of one such approach that starts out okay (for the most part), but then crashes and burns in a spectacular. “My name is Clint. I’m not sure how to say this but Ill just do what I always do, speak my mind.. I think you are a very sensual and sexual Lady. I don’tmean to be vulgar or offend you in any way but d*mn babe I would so love to taste you. Have a great day.

 

Take note…apologizing before or after an inappropriate comment is like closing the barn door after the horse has already been knocked up…not worth much. An apology for saying something you already know is wrong is just stupid and shows that you have no concept of what is appealing or not to the opposite sex.

While we’re on the subject, it’s probably also not a good idea to mention your spouse (wife or husband) in a complimentary message to someone you want to impress. For example…”i wish my wife had a body like you let me say you have a fit body i think you exercise every day.” *rolling my eyes* (See “being a sleeze” above)

 

 

6. When you decide to flirt or flat out present yourself to someone new as one that might be interesting or of worth, find a spell-checker or get someone that has a passing relationship with grammar to proof-read it for you. Nothing is less appealing than appearing to be ignorant, whether you really are or not. An example…”Eyes closed:-$,heart beating fast8-}…..arms trightly held around ur body pressed mine…>:D<….slowly gently ur sweet lips brush with mine:-*:x:x“.

Bonus tip: Try to actually spell out words without using chat abbreviations and remember if you’re not talking on messenger, those “cute” little emoticon things just look ridiculous if typed out in a message…especially coming from a total stranger.

 

 

7. While I know it’s tempting and fairly easy, especially online, to find one babe/hunk you like and then go through their entire list  of friends, putting the same smarmy comment on every hot person’s page you see and begging them to add you because THEY are the one…the epitome of everything you find attractive in a potential conquest…it’s just not very smart and makes you look lazy and/or insincere! *gasp!!* I know, I know…it’s hard to believe that ANYONE online wouldn’t be totally sincere with each and every syllable typed, but yes, I hear it does happen. Not that I’VE personally ever seen it, maybe it’s an urban legend, right along with the fact that pigs don’t fly and that sarcasm isn’t a form of communication and conveys true feelings. If you must go through lists, mining for your targets, at least be original when you post comments. I know it’s hard to believe, but your victim, “might” actually notice a pattern.

 

 

8. Humor IS sexy. Not just the forwarding of jokes, but things that show you have a personality or the ability to laugh at yourself. Humor and flirting go hand in hand, just like peanut butter and jelly. You can’t have one without the other. If you’re too intense all the time, that’s a red flag, not a sign of your devotion.

I, of course, am the exception to this rule. After I had to put to rest that NASTY online rumor that I was FUN or that I had a sense of humor (can you imagine someone saying such things about me??) a few weeks back, I can’t afford to have that misconception get started again!! I mean imagine, me?? Fun??? Just ask the Yankee. *wink*

 

 

9. Don’t try so hard. There are times when hard is a good thing *wink*..but when you’re flirting, that’s not it. Men or women, when trying to crawl over each other to outslut each other with comments or pictures, just shows that you must be lacking in one or more areas of your life. While I know the reasons some give on here for using fake pictures, none of them hold water. I don’t care if you are worried about someone stealing your picture, put one up of your face that’s not anything you’d be ashamed of someone you know seeing, then if someone uses it, so the hell what? The world will still be spinning tomorrow. It’s just not that big of a deal unless you make it a big deal. Of course, some want the attention of crying foul and getting sympathy.

If you’re butt ugly, but speaking as if you’re God’s Gift to the opposite sex, that’s just false advertising. If you’re that ashamed of yourself, then retreat back into real life and quit leading people on.

The “I have an important job and/or don’t want to take the chance of compromising myself” or “I’ll send it privately because I don’t want anyone to see me” excuse is just pathetic. First of all, you’re just not that important. Secondly, the FBI may indeed wander through here, but it’s highly unlikely you’ll catch their eye unless you’re a 10 most wanted, in which case, your picture is already displayed at the Post Office. I hear these excuses and automatically think…married or hiding from something/someone or a coward.

Obviously I don’t think that tasteful sexy pictures are a bad thing or a bad way of flirting, just remember the basic guidelines…less is more..always leave ’em wanting more, discretion is a good thing, and imagination is always more sexy than the in your face plopping of the boob=age or sausage up front like the blue plate special of the day. That leaves no room for building anticipation and you may just find that first sight is more than enough to make someone positive you’re NOT the “one” from the unattractive appearance of your pride and joy(s).  Oh, it might be wise to remember that it’s possible your boss, parents, children, or neighbors just might end up seeing more of you than you’d intended.

 

 

10. You only get one chance to make a first impression..make it a good one. Ask questions to show your interest that don’t include wanting to know the size of their ummmmmm…hands or feet…or how many midgets could fit in their bra. (trying to guess cup size for a prize, does not count as a good question).

Use respect and manners. If you wouldn’t approach a total stranger face to face and ask or say something, assume it’s probably not going to get you laid or make you into an instant sex symbol here either unless you find someone that is willing to play you as well. In that case, as long as there is full disclosure on both sides of the intention to bat each other around like mice in heat, by all means…proceed with my blessing. Use each other until someone easier comes along.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all. Contrary to popular belief, insulting someone to get their attention is probably not the best form of foreplay. I could be wrong though, there are many kinky things that appeal to the masses these days that I’m obviously not privy to, nor do I want to be.

 

 

I was going to stop at 10, but here’s one Bonus…

11. When attempting to flirt…do not…I repeat, DO NOT, bug the sh*t out of someone with a million messages. If they reply politely to one with a nice “no thank you”, then don’t continue to pursue them. It makes you look like a stalker and just isn’t very flirty. There isn’t much in this life worse than a pest. This will start to fall into the annoying category if continued. In that case, the “stalkee” has every right to abandon all manners and let you have it with both barrels rather than with what you’re asking for. Persistence in the face of some expression of interest, is okay. Sometimes people don’t pay attention right away. When persistence turns to obsession, then it’s pretty much a turn off. (or a felony) While one message is good, 50 is NOT more better. (yes, I DID write it that way on purpose, for effect…geez)

 

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Flirting is what makes love or the possibility of love/lust/friendship exciting…whether you’re married and flirting with a spouse, harmlessly flirting with a friend or single and looking. The ability to flirt is the single most important love life skill that every person needs to master. When you are a true Flirt at heart, you can have the love life of your dreams for the rest of your life.   Or you may simply get to experience some smiles and enjoy the inner workings of someone else’s personality and thought processes. To some flirting comes naturally. To others, it’s a bit more work and effort to pull it off. The rewards are worth it. Slow down and TRY to use a little common sense and imagination.

~Kath~

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~All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.~ Marya Mannes

Thursday’s Typically Tawdry, Tacky & Tempting Tidbits

you

 

Totally random thoughts from my Thursday…a few news stories worthy of mention (and ridicule).  My mind tends to see the world a little differently at times.  And away we go…the best of today’s wacky and bizarre…

 

At last!! Men everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief with bathing suit season fast approaching!! Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George Costanza is changing out of his swimsuit, and a girl he’s interested in accidentally walks in and laughs, because he’s suffered a little post-pool shriveling? “Shrinkage”…the age old problem where guys worry about their manhood looking less than impressive after taking a swim might finally be solved. Enter the “Rooster Booster”…a $25 Lycra bathing suit with a pocket in the crotch where a guy inserts a breathable foam padding. The manufacturer claims it not only guards against shrinkage, it also keeps a man warm in a spot where he never wants to feel ice cold. It did not say whether or not it solved the age old question of “does this suit make my butt look big?”. 

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Teachers want to be allowed to carry guns in school?? Ummmm, HELLO!!…half of us are PMS’ing at the same time and most of the time should have a Valium salt lick in the teacher’s lounge just to get through the day and now some teachers want to pack heat? (btw, I prefer to cause heat, not pack heat) Does anyone else see a problem with this? It WOULD however, put a whole new spin on time out or 5 minutes on the fence. Parents get pissed off if we take recess away, imagine what they’d do if we started shooting up the school. Why, we might REALLY get fussed at then!! *rolling my eyes* Not to mention that most of us can’t see straight without our reading glasses, we’d be shooting each other or our own foot!

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As the mother of a teenaged daughter who is, of course, immersed in the “Twilight” hoopla, I found this little tidbit to be funny.  After stories spread that vampires were strolling the campus of Boston Latin School, the headmaster of the prestigious college-prep school put a stake in the rumors. Lynne Mooney Teta sent a notice out Thursday to faculty, students, and parents denying the presence of bloodsuckers. She declined, however, to offer details about the rumors.  Boston Police spokesman Eddy Chrispin said police were called to the school Wednesday after hearing of the vampire tales. Chrispin said he didn’t know if the alleged vampires were among the student body or hiding in old corners of the building.

The school was founded in 1635, and its students have included Ben Franklin, Sam Adams, Louis Farrakhan, and Sumner Redstone.  Hmmmm…Louis Farrakhan AND Ben Franklin??  Maybe given that Farrakhan attended the school, perhaps they mistook vampires for little green men.  I do find it hilarious that the police actually investigated the allegations..probably to appease anxious parents that didn’t want all that private school tuition to go to waste!

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In a new survey released recently, it has been discovered that those over 50 are more likely to have sex on the first date than those under 40. We needed a survey to tell us this?? It further went on to say that half of the older age group rated lust and passion as MORE important than marriage. Nearly 40 per cent of over-50s would sleep with a partner on a first meeting compared with just 18 per cent of under 40s. The under 30s may feel they invented sexual liberation, but it was the baby-boomer generation that staged the first summer of love..more than 40 years ago. Let the good times roll! Could this be one reason “use it or lose it” cums to mind? *wink*

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Scientists now say a crappy marriage can be bad for your heart. Personally, I think it’s pretty bad for your libido, penis or tunnel of love as well. Could explain some of the results of the over 50 sex on the first date thingy too, don’t ‘cha think??

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Children, especially girls, may be more likely to have sex before the age of 14 if they have been verbally abused by teachers, a new study suggests. Researchers found children at elementary school who were shouted at, harshly criticized or embarrassed by teachers in the classroom had an increased risk of early sexual intercourse. (Tell me again, why we pay for all these “valuable” studies??) Okay, so it now appears that there is yet one more thing you can blame on teachers. If your daughter (or on occasion, a son) turns out to be a slut..it’s the TEACHER’S fault..it certainly couldn’t be attributed your bad parenting or lack of attention to your child. Next they will want us to pay child support if their little darlin’s end up getting pregnant as teens. Lord knows, teachers should be the ones building up their self-esteem, not their actual parents. To hell with learning…instead, let’s cut all that silly stuff out in favor of taking tests that induce only stress and don’t really measure learning, coddling their egos and raising the kids everyone else has. THAT’S what going to college for those education degrees was really for..becoming pseudo parents and babysitters!

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Do you know there is an actual official National Mistress Day?  It’s the day that straying husbands and boyfriends set aside for the ‘other woman’.  Aptly, it falls on February 13th, the day before the national Hallmark conceived day of romance, Valentine’s Day.  SO, it seems the mistresses get ahead (so to speak 😉 ) of the wives once again and sneak in first for a little romance.  Learn something new every day!  I wonder if there’s a special greeting or thank you card especially for the occasion?

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A minor league baseball team is going to offer a 4,800 calorie hamburger as part of it’s stadium fare this season.  The pot belly behemoth extravaganza weights a whooping 4 pounds and consists of:  5 beef patties, 5 slices of cheese, a cup of chili, salsa, and corn chips slathered on an eight inch sesame seed bun.  This wonderful example of gluttony gone amok will cost the bargain price of $20.  If you have the courage (or stupidity) to try and down this big boy all by yourself in one sitting, you receive a special t-shirt…One that you can wear in the ambulance as you are stroking out and on the way to the hospital!!

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The news was released earlier this week during the launch of the Space Shuttle, that the first Japanese astronaut to live aboard the International Space Station will be doing an important scientific experiment, the likes of which have never been imagined before.  Koichi Wakata will be testing a new brand of stink free underwear!!  Let’s hope for the sake of everyone aboard the station, that this experiment is a success or phew wee!!  Just think of the implications gentlemen!  All that silly stuff about doing your laundry or doing the “sniff test” on things to find out how many more days you can get out of your unmentionables…you’ll always be as fresh as a daisy!  Now, if they can just do something about that little skid mark problem that men tend to have and overlook as they grunt and pound their chests.

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And to almost end up my mental ramblings of the bizarre day…it seems that ovulating strippers receive larger tips. It appears that women subtly signal when they are most fertile, although just how they do it is not clear. In the case of lap dancers, I’m guessing the extra “umph” in their gyrations just might trigger the bigger tips..along with triggering other things.  

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Last, but certainly not least…A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison. With a car wash vacuum?  Seriously???  Good heavens, I don’t think I can use them to clean out my car again without pulling on rubber gloves.  Safe sex indeed.   Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing. (oh really, ya think?)  The 29-year-old from Michigan, was sentenced Wednesday at Saginaw County Circuit Court.  Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.  Police say Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on Oct. 16 to report suspicious activity (I’d say having your love sword stuck in a vacuum hose just might be a TAD suspicious) at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.  I’m guessing that the 90 days in prison might bring a different kind of gratification for Mr. Savage.  

 

 

Okay..I’m done for now. Feel free to carry on with whatever you were doing. If this had been a real emergency of an over-abundance of stupidity taking over the world (yet), you would have been directed where to go and what to do. *grin*

 

Personally, I think we need to be doing the “Here’s your sign” a bit more often.  There seems to be an increasing lack of common sense amongst us.  The inmates are taking over the asylum. 

Get Your Money for Nothin’ and Your Chicks for free?

obama-peering

Today at a town hall meeting in California, President Obama told adoring crowds of kool-aid drinkers people gathered to pay homage to him,  not expect too much out of our government.  He continued to lecture a school teacher in the audience who asked a question about lost jobs that “Nothing is free”.  Oh, I must have made a mistake.  I thought I heard him say a few hundred times how education is a priority.

Huh?  EXCUSE ME??

All of this is coming from the man that ran on the platform of HOPE AND CHANGE and told the masses that he was going to save them?  The man that traveled around the country building false hope that the government WAS going to save them…that HE was going to be the solution to all our problems if we would just let him have free reign is now telling us not to expect too much?  Hey, this job is HARD! 

I swear the top of my head is going to explode before we get through the first 100 days of Mr. Obama’s term.

Let’s review a bit, shall we? (just some of the most pertinent points, I promise)

Today he said…”We are not always going to be right,” he said. “And I don’t want everybody disappointed if we make a mistake.”    “A” mistake??  Singular?  SERIOUSLY??  Has he been paying attention at all to what has happened in less than 60 days from his swearing in?

Oh wait, he’s been too busy firing up Airforce One every chance he gets because he feels “trapped” in the White House.  On Valentine’s Day weekend when he had just given yet another lecture/speech to the nation over the urgency of passing into law the massive bill that Congress didn’t even have time to read, he took FIVE days before he signed it before every TV camera available.  Date night in Chicago with the Mrs. is clearly more important than the nation’s economy.  Yeah, that conveys confidence.

Tim Geithner was the “only man” that can lead us out of the economic crisis/catastrophe the country finds itself in.  Oh, that little tax problem he had?  Ignore it…it’s of no consequence for the man that we’re going to appoint to be the head of the IRS.  Now Senators and others in power are calling for his head.  Ummmm..he’s also working alone in the Treasury Department (when the most important thing in the world is the economy) because they can’t find anyone willing to work in this environment, and the ones that are willing can’t pass the smell test. 

I won’t even MENTION the other appointees that have imploded for various vetting issues.  I’d think that might qualify as an embarrasment, but apparently not for this administration.  Call me crazy, but I consider staffing the positions and support positions in government a priority.  To me, staffing the government just might trump filling out the March Madness brackets…but that’s just me.

I also not going to go into the dog and pony show the past couple of days on Capitol Hill that has employed smoke and mirrors and finger pointing to try and deflect the people’s growing anger with the lack of attention to details with our bailout money.  That pesky unconstitutional bill the Congress passed today in regards to taxing said bonus money?  Oh well, what do we need a Constitution for anyway?  It’s not like we need protection from misuse of authority or our personal freedoms guaranteed, now do we?  (and for the record, the bonuses piss me off mightily, BUT they were approved by law and the lack of oversight.  You can’t take your ball and change the rules of the game mid-stream because you screwed the pooch)

Oh Mr. Obama, I resolve to be patient and not expect too much from my government.  I know that you’ve got more important things to do.  Why it’s not easy continuing on the campaign trail even though you’ve already been annointed..ummm..elected.  I realize old habits die hard and it’s all you really know how to do well (other than reading off a teleprompter).  So of COURSE we’ll cut you some slack.

I KNOW that appearing as the first sitting President on a late night entertainment talk show HAS to take priority.  After all, you’re in the process of dumbing down and rubbing the decorum off the office of the President of the United States.  That little bitty gaffe in protocol and bit of tackiness with Gordon Brown and his wife was obviously just an anomaly.  Oh wait, there have been several other “lapses” in that silly decorum stuff and tradition from the leader of the free world.  Tonight you even managed to insult the disabled in an attempt to be cute.  Oh, no matter, that stuff isn’t really important is it??

 I obviously don’t have the “patience and forbearance” that our President is asking of us.  I see people hurting and that pain getting deeper as Washington, Republicans and Democrats alike, are contributing to with their wild flailing and directionless agendas.  We have been told of the urgency of the problem over and over again during the past few months, yet we’re concerned with nationalizing health care or harnessing the wind to add to a massive deficit coming down the pike.

Now apparently, we have to be patient while they print more money and throw it at our problems..no matter that they are devaluating the dollar in the process and heading us into inflation as well.  In the meantime, we should lower our expectations and find a way to dig ourselves out of the hole.  Ignore those pesky unusually large deficits and that ridiculous pork ridden budget of full of liberal agendas destined to bankrupt us further. 

Are we expected to now simply learn to be a good “new” American..sit down, shut up and do as we’re told?  Just succumb to the intimidation from those that are still under the hypnotic non-thinking mode and follow their lead, lest you be mocked and shamed.  No questions or criticism allowed.  To not go along with the game plan is simply not patriotic, you know! Shame on you!  Just pay your increased taxes and be happy!!

In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the smooth stylings of our new Commander-in-Entertainer as he mixes his unique brand of cockiness with humility and gives us pithy comments on late night TV.  It’s not like he’s needed in Washington attending to business or at least pretending to run the government.   Right??

He must have discovered all that icky work stuff is no fun and one more thing above his pay grade.

Why should we be worried?

 

(Mr. Obama and I were born in the same year, so we grew up and were influenced by the same world events and music.  Perhaps this song is stuck in his head..perchance it could become his new theme song)

 

MONEY FOR NOTHING – DIRE STRAITS

I want my, I want my MTV….

Now look at them yo-yo’s
That’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV

That ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Money for nothing
And your chicks for free

Now that ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Lemme tell you, them guys ain’t dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We got to move these refrigerators

We got to move these color TV’s

See the little faggot
With the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy, that’s his own hair
The little faggot got his own jet airplane
The little faggot, he’s a millionaire

Got to install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We’ve got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TV’s

Move-a, move-a, huh

Got to install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We’ve got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TV’s

Lookie here, looka
I shoulda learned
To play the guitar
I shoulda learned
To play them drums
Look at that mama
She got it sticking in the camera
Man, we could have some fun

And he’s up there
What’s that, Hawaiian noises
He’s banging on the bongos
Like a chimpanzee

Oh, that ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Get your money for nothing
Get your chicks for free

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TV’s

Listen here
Now that ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on your MTV

That ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Money for nothing
And your chicks for free
Money for nothing
Chicks for free

Get your money for nothing
And your chicks for free
Money for nothing………

Look at that, look at that
I want my, I want my
I want my TV………

That ain’t working

Superstition is to Blame

superstitions

Forget for a minute that we’re in the middle of the most troubling frightening worldwide economic downturn of our times.  Totally disregard the fact that there are people in the world with no respect for human life and are instead full of hate and determined to do harm to others.  Never mind that we have an as yet untested (thank God) inexperienced new administration in our country that has stumbled badly coming out of the gate.  It all pales in comparison to this…

Today is Friday the 13th.  Not just any Friday the 13th mind you.  It’s one of a trio we will have in 2009.  The first was in February, this one in March, and then the last will come in November.  To have three Friday the 13ths in a single year is not a common occurrence.  Statistically, it’s only possible to have the 13th fall on three Fridays in a single year every eleven years.  Lucky us.  With all that is going on around us, it almost seems to be poetic justice that we have this occur this year too.  Heck, at this point, why not?

Even the most non-superstitious among us will take pause and notice a Friday the 13th.  We make movies around it, architecture is changed to avoid the number 13 and some will even alter their plans in order to “be on the safe side” on this day…just in case.  It’s folklore of the most persuasive kind.  The type that feeds upon itself and permeates our consciousness almost against our will.

Where does all this superstition come from? Nobody knows for sure. Some theories believe that it may date back to Biblical times (the 13th guest at the Last Supper betrayed Jesus). By the Middle Ages, both Friday and 13 were considered bearers of bad fortune.

Meanwhile the belief that numbers are connected to life and physical things, called numerology, also has a long history.  People are subconsciously drawn towards specific numbers because they know that they need the experiences, attributes or lessons, associated with them, that are contained within their potential.  Some believe that Numerology can ‘make sense’ of an individuals life (health, career, relationships, situations and issues) by recognizing which number cycle they are in, and by giving them clarity.

Here are 13 more facts about the infamous day, just for fun.  At the very least it will add to your Trivial Pursuit scores.  At most, it will give you a little more insight into human behavior and perhaps the origins of your own beliefs.

1. The British Navy is said to have built a ship named Friday the 13th, or the HMS Friday, which on its maiden voyage left dock on a Friday the 13th, and was never heard from again. This story seems to be a legend. The Royal Navy Museum states on its web site that this story, which has been told before, is a hoax. “There has never been a Royal Navy ship named HMS Friday – or after any other day of the week for that matter,” the museum states.

2. The ill-fated Apollo 13 launched at 13:13 CST on Apr. 11, 1970. The sum of the date’s digits (4-11-70) is 13 (as in 4+1+1+7+0 = 13). And the explosion that crippled the spacecraft occurred on April 13 (not a Friday). The crew did make it back to Earth safely, however.

3. Many hospitals have no room 13, while some tall buildings skip the 13th floor.

4. Fear of Friday the 13th, one of the most popular myths in science, is called paraskavedekatriaphobia as well as friggatriskaidekaphobia. Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number 13.

5.Quarterback Dan Marino wore No. 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins. Despite being a superb quarterback (some call him one of the best ever), he got to the Super Bowl just once, in 1985, and was trounced 38-16 by the San Francisco 49ers and Joe Montana (who wore No. 16 and won all four Super Bowls he played in).

6.Butch Cassidy, notorious American train and bank robber, was born on Friday, April 13, 1866.

7. Fidel Castro was born on Friday, Aug. 13, 1926.

8. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not travel on the 13th day of any month and would never host 13 guests at a meal. Napoleon and Herbert Hoover were also triskaidekaphobic, with an abnormal fear of the number 13.

9.Superstitious diners in Paris can hire a quatorzieme, or professional 14th guest.

10. Mark Twain once was the 13th guest at a dinner party. A friend warned him not to go. “It was bad luck,” Twain later told the friend. “They only had food for 12.”

11. Woodrow Wilson considered 13 his lucky number, though his experience didn’t support such faith. He arrived in Normandy, France on Friday, Dec. 13, 1918, for peace talks, only to return with a treaty he couldn’t get Congress to sign. (The ship’s crew wanted to dock the next day due to superstitions.) He toured the United States to rally support for the treaty, and while traveling, suffered a near-fatal stroke.

12. The number 13 suffers from its position after 12, according to numerologists who consider the latter to be a complete number — 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 apostles of Jesus, 12 days of Christmas and 12 eggs in a dozen.

13. The seals on the back of a dollar bill include 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 stars above the eagle’s head, 13 war arrows in the eagle’s claw and 13 leaves on the olive branch. So far there’s been no evidence tying these long-ago design decisions to the present economic situation.

 

So, there you go..take it as you will or with a grain of salt. Don’t forget if you spill that salt, to toss some over your right shoulder though, can’t be too careful!  Don’t walk under ladders, be careful not to break any mirrors, open an umbrella in the house or let a black cat cross your path today.  

Lord knows, with the world in the shape it’s in, do you REALLY want to tempt fate??  See a penny, pick it up.  With St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to carry around those 4 leaf clovers a few days early.  Better safe than sorry.

Just a thought. (Knock on wood *wink*)

 

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Superstition

Stevie Wonder

Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladder’s ’bout to fall,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin’ glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way

Very superstitious, wash your face and hands,
Rid me of the problem, do all that you can,
Keep me in a daydream, keep me goin’ strong,
You don’t wanna save me, sad is my song.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way.

Very superstitious, nothin’ more to say,
Very superstitious, the devil’s on his way,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin’ glass,
Seven years of bad luck, good things in your past.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way.