Expressions That Make You Fit to be Tied & Other Southern-isms to Ponder

Some of you are aware that I have a certain affection for a damned Yankee and regularly immerse myself in travels to the great north for an infusion of ummm..Northern hospitality (yeah, we’ll go with that for now). I realize that male/female interactions in and of themselves can be a bit of a challenge under the best of circumstances..throw in a few regional and cultural differences and it’s not only like we are from Mars and Venus, but from different galaxies altogether. (mine, of COURSE, being the totally normal, sane universe and his being full of nuts, but I digress)

Now, while I can be and often am, an intellectual snot in regard to grammar or in my manner of speech, there are times..albeit few and far between..when my Southern roots and upbringing take over. (I know, it’s a great shock…stick with me on this) It seems that when I get excited, agitated or irritated, I can become a tiny bit regional in the way I express myself. Apparently during these times, I might have an itty bitty tendency to utter a phrase or two that those living above the Mason Dixon line do not employ in their day-to-day communications.

I know, I know!! It’s hard to imagine, but amazingly true. Different areas of the country have trouble understanding the true meaning behind some of our more beloved Southern phrases. Personally, I think we are simply a descriptive, imaginative group of people who just choose to use particularly apt colorful words to express ourselves on occasion. I just don’t see where the confusion comes from. In my eyes, we’re very easy to understand! Fiddle-dee-dee!

I always know that I’ve managed to befuddle the poor man and crossed the communication great divide when I hear a silence on the other end of the phone line, or when I’ve sent a text message and finally get a reply questioning my sanity. Of course, to be fair, he tends to question my sanity with frequent regularity even when I’m making perfect sense. If I’m being totally honest, I will admit that at times (not often, mind you), when I’m visiting New York and Connecticut..I “might” turn on my Southerness a bit more, just for effect. I can’t help it, Yankees are so much fun to play with. It becomes almost a challenge to take some of the stoic out of those that need a stick-ectomy (for those of you that can’t figure that one out, it encompasses taking the stick out of one’s butt and learning to laugh at one’s self rather than being so serious all the time). Besides, I’m constantly fielding requests when there to just “say something” so they can hear my “cute little accent”. So, being the polite compliant belle I am..I oblige them in my own sweet little innocent way!  Bless their hearts.

So, I send a perfectly innocent little text message to the Connecticut Yankee..something along the lines of..

” I swanny (and yes that actually IS a word, albeit a Southern one, you Yankee smartass..she says with great affection) I am going to have to kill you yet..wink”

Okay, that isn’t along the lines of, that IS the actual text message. There is silence for about 5 minutes, then I get this in return from said Yankee..

“What the HELL kind of word is that??” 

I then had to send the definition of the word “swanny”, using it in what I thought was a great sentence that entailed describing a certain body part that can be truthfully declared as something I find VERY appealing. For those of you that don’t know, the definition of swanny is to declare, affirm or swear something. I’ll let y’all use your massive imaginations to fill in the blanks about the actual content of my text or to construct your own sentences…I don’t text and tell.

It must take very little to amuse me, because I was literally laughing out loud (and not in an emoticon type of way), but rather in a manner that made everyone on the train from the airport look at me like I had lost my mind. I hate to tell them, but I misplaced any sanity I had a long, LONG time ago and have found I don’t miss my mind at all anymore. I’m better off without it and fixin’ to get even more outrageous with age. I want to be a “character” when I grow up. (i.e.-“She’s a real character, isn’t she?”)

Now I ask you…if you heard these phrases, wouldn’t they bring to mind a picture that is MUCH more descriptive and easy to understand than conventional speech?  Here is just a small sampling of a few things you might hear come from a Southerners mouth…

“she was as ugly as the backside of a barn”… or

“you look like you’ve been ridden hard and put up wet”…

“It smells like something done crawled up here and died!” or

“that girl needs some meat on her bones, bless her heart”…

“we’re smack dab in the middle of something good”

“That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!”

“You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.”

“He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest!”

“Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!”

“Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

“That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob” 

“If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose”

“You could start an argument in an empty house.”

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I know, by now you’re all fit to be tied and bless your hearts, probably in a tizzy..but butter my buns and call me a biscuit..I just don’t think this is such a conundrum. Dang, most of you are as wild as all get out and this ain’t your first rodeo..so go with the flow and get yourself all gussied up. Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, tomorrow is another day.

Don’t go throwing a hissy fit, it’s not worth getting in a pickle over! Daggumit, Lawd have mercy! Goodness gracious and shoot fire, it ain’t nothing that can’t be fixed with a glass of sweet tea…join me on the porch and we’ll mull it over. Butter would melt in my mouth when I set my mind to somethin’!

Have a good ‘un and y’all come back to see us, you hear?

Now I ask you…HOW simple is that?? It’s JUST plain boring English after all!  Feel free to use any of the above “Southern-isms”.  Don’t mind the occasional strange looks that might follow, they’re just jealous they aren’t so inventive and descriptive!

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Tongue in cheek Disclaimer:  No one living above the Mason Dixon line was targeted or harmed in the writing of this bit of fluff andit is all in fun.  I happen to absolutely adore and delight in the differences of personality that all the regions in our country produce.  It’s a small part of what makes life an interesting adventure.

(For the record, this particular bit of writing seemed to send spell check into a tizzy of its own, apparently IT doesn’t speak plain, simple English either!!)

Predict This!

I don’t mind getting wrinkles. The way I see it, wrinkles are just a natural part of going through life. I’ve earned the smile lines on my face from seeing the world through a slightly sarcastic wit and with humor. I’ve even earned a worry line or two as I’ve raised my children or navigated my way through any pitfalls and challenges I’ve encountered. I wear my wrinkles with pride.

I don’t even mind too much the fact that on some days my “get up and go” seems to have done “gone up and went” and left in its wake a sore muscle or two where previously I would have been none the worse for wear. I’ve found ways to work around sore backs or the occasional lack of energy when I’ve been overly ambitious and forgotten the day before that even though my mind still THINKS like a 20-year-old, my body works like a 40 something and will loudly let me know when I’ve done more than I should. I just plan for recovery time and keep the Tylenol handy as needed.

For the most part, I enjoy this stage of life very much.

What DOES bug the holy heck out of me, is not being able to SEE anymore!

I’ve never had great eyesight. I’ve been very nearsighted since 5th grade, a legacy from my Mom. I started wearing contacts in 6th grade and have never looked back (so to speak). The fact that I don’t have and will never have 20/20 vision has always just been a constant in my life and not such a big deal. I have slowly come to the growing realization over the past few years however, that I can no longer see anything right in front of my nose without wearing my Dollar Tree readers. I am officially now blind as a bat, without the benefit of sonar. It turns out that aging is not indeed for wimps.

Plainly put, if I manage to somehow wander out into the world without one of my several dozen pair of reading glasses close at hand, I’m a menace to society. At the very least, I’m prone to severe fubars when it comes to deciphering details on packages or when reading menus in restaurants. My grown children have many stories of horror where they have had to read menu selections to Mom in full view of the public.

Now, finally to my problem de jour. Texting.

I’m hip..I really REALLY am. (quit laughing) I was geeky when geeky wasn’t cool and have maintained my stellar dork status throughout my life by staying current with new technology. I twitter. I blog. I instant message with a favorite Yankee frequently. I get it. While I still enjoy reading an actual book over owning a Kindle or iPad, and on occasion still would rather compose an old-fashioned snail-mail letter or send a handwritten card vs. an e-card, I for the most part, love the convenience of all things electronic. I will admit that I do have my own way of doing things and might put my own twist on how I use all these “timesavers”. Nonetheless, I stay well versed in most of the newest and at times silliest trends and innovations that come down the proverbial pike.

Texting, however, has become quite a challenge at times. I sit and watch my kids as they text. The blur of their fingers as they massacre the English language in 160 characters or less, yet can still manage to broker world peace, carry on a verbal conversation AND order pizza at the same time, astounds me. Without a single thought or even a glance most of the time, they can fly on tiny keyboards of varying designs and most of the time, I can even make out the real meaning of what they meant to convey as pertinent information in their texts to me.

Here’s where my individuality (you do remember that dying trait, don’t you?) comes in. My phone has dual keyboards. I love the versatility and many possibilities of it. Not only do I have an actual numerical keyboard to make calls with, I also have a full QWERTY keyboard at the ready for texting or composing my version of War and Peace should I so choose to do so on the flea sized keys. Instead of using the itty bitty “full” size keyboard though, I prefer to use the wonders of “predictive text” instead when I send my pearls of wisdom, edicts from Mom, sarcastic thoughts or purely flagrant flirting out to the world.

This is where the problem begins.

It turns out to my absolute amazement, that predictive text, ISN’T really all that predictive when it comes to putting together words that actually make sense when composing a text message. Who knew?? Apparently everyone but me.

Obviously whomever predicted how most people speak was from Mars (or a man). They also were obviously in severe need of a Magic 8 ball if this is their version of prediction.

Call me crazy, but when I want the word “it” in a sentence, for some reason, I find no rhyme or reason as to why, my phone insists on putting “ht” in as what it THINKS I mean to say. HT isn’t a word in any language I’ve ever encountered, yet my SMARTphone, insists on putting it into everything I write. My shortcoming in not always having reading glasses around when I might need them (insert, all the time) means that anyone receiving my texts has to learn to decipher what I meant to say rather than the cryptic mess of characters they might actually receive. I choose to think of it as creating my own language. Heck, that’s what the kids do with LOL and LMAO and TTFN, so why can’t I invent “senior moment texting”?

Other common words that are likely to be inserted by mistake include, but are not limited to…”nope” for “more”, “of” rather than “me”, “tie” instead of “the” and the ever popular “duck” rather than, well you get the idea. Suffice it to say that I’ve discovered the HARD way that predictive text was not really designed with sexting in mind either.

Most of the time, the people I’m texting are either related to me or are as “mature” in years as I am and have known me a long time, so they are used to whatever might cross their screens and knows what I meant to say and interpret it pretty well. They already know that I use correct grammar and spelling in my texts because the teacher in me will not allow me to use “text-speak” with a clear conscious. Well, I TRY to use correct spelling and punctuation, when I can see what I’m doing and the crack predictive text will let me. On top of it all I think I must type with a Southern accent, so that might lead to a tad more confusion at times when colorful, apparently obscure (for Yankees anyway) phrases emerge from my brain.

Anyway, life goes on and I’m adapting in my own special way. I just simply pretend I MEANT to send whatever gibberish I convey and keep texting. After all, if I can’t dazzle ’em with brilliance, I’ll just baffle them with BS instead, as the saying goes.

One of these days they’ll invent a keyboard that isn’t meant for fingers the size of gnats and a TV sized screen for we baby boomers that might be becoming a bit challenged with our eyesight. That way we can see what we’re doing and keep up with each other and all these young whippersnappers that are coming along behind us.

To paraphrase a movie quote from Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, “I’m older and I spend more money”!! I may also be a tad meaner, but that’s an issue for another day. There HAS to be a growing market for those of us that are slightly sight challenged by our years of experience. (we’ll go with that. See, I CAN be politically correct at times!)

As for the attempts at marketing a phone meant for MY parents, the Jitterbug is a dance, not a phone. Please don’t insult our intelligence, however fleeting it may be. I refuse to be uncool, even it if means I keep sending my own unique brand of communications via text. Perhaps my new way of text-speak will become an overnight sensation.

Anyway BOT, IDK much but I’ll BBL and TTYL. CYA!!!

Here a Trillion, There a Trillion

 

 

A budget of 3.6 TRILLION dollars was passed yesterday on Capitol Hill. 

We pledged to contribute to another TRILLION dollars to the IMF at the G-20 summit. 

We are throwing hundreds of billions of dollars each week, it seems, to BAIL-OUT (not recovery and re-investment) yet another company that is deemed “too big to fail”.  In the process, we are now also seeing the government step into the fray in the attempt to legislate the salaries of private citizens.

Our calculators do not even go up to a trillion.

We are throwing around money like it’s a bizarre monopoly game and it’s not real to any of us.  It’s so far out of the realm of imagining for any average/normal American, that it’s like dealing in fantasy.  I’m not sure that even the politicians doling out our grandchildren’s future have any true concept of the true amount involved.  It’s mind boggling to even consider.

…and yet, we “spend” (at least on paper) more and more each day to “solve” our problems.  Nevermind the problems that we are creating in the process.  The current theory is that we’ll deal with those potential problems when we have to. 

It seems that Scarlett O’Hara’s reasoning has taken over Washington and the Congress and administration, along with many Americans, are now thinking…

“Oh, I can’t think about this now! I’ll go crazy if I do! I’ll think about it tomorrow. But I must think about it. I must think about it. What is there to do? What is there that matters?  After all, tomorrow is another day!”

 

 

To put the concept of exactly how much a TRILLION dollars is into perspective, here are 15 Trivia facts about what that amount of “play” money could do…

 

A trillion dollars, in one-dollar bills, lined up end to end, can circle the earth about 3800 times.

A trillion dollars, single-stacked in one-dollar bills, would stand about 679,000 miles high; almost three times farther than the moon.

A trillion dollars worth of pennies, stacked in a single stack, would reach about 79,000,000 miles high; over three-quarters of the distance to the sun.

A trillion dollars, laid out flat with one-dollar bills, would cover an area of nearly 4000 square miles; nearly enough to cover the state of Delaware, not once, but twice; and it could cover Washington D.C. with about 2 1/2 inches of one-dollar bills.

A trillion dollars, strung end to end across the United States and stacked in a single-line stack, would build a wall 115 feet high across the country.

A trillion dollars, even in 100 dollar bills, stacked in a single stack, would reach over 6700 miles high.

A trillion dollars, in 100 dollar bills, lined up end to end, would circle the globe about 39 times.

To spend a trillion dollars in one year, you would have to spend $2,739,726,027.39 each and every day.

To spend a trillion dollars in ten years, you would have to spend $273,972,602.73 each and every day.

To spend a trillion dollars in an average lifetime (72 years), you would have to spend $38,051,750.38 each and every day.

The weight of a trillion dollars, in one-dollar bills, is about 1,093,750 tons; about as much as 15 Queen Elizabeth II cruise ships (Gross Tonnage). 

A trillion dollars in one-dollar bills would take about 32,000 years to count, assuming a counting rate of a dollar per second, and counting for 24 hours each day, seven days a week.  No food, no sleep, no breaks.

A trillion dollars in one-dollar bills, placed on the center line of America’s nearly 4 million miles of roadways in a single-line stack, would create a stack over 1 1/2 inches thick, or 38 layers.

A trillion dollars could purchase over 3 million of the most expensive Rolls Royce autos.

A trillion dollars could purchase over 2.5 million of the most expensive Lamborghini sports cars.

 

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Money, Money, Money  by Abba

 

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain’t it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That’s too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work at all, I’d fool around and have a ball…

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world

A man like that is hard to find but I can’t get him off my mind
Ain’t it sad
And if he happens to be free I bet he wouldn’t fancy me
That’s too bad
So I must leave, I’ll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game, my life will never be the same…

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world

Thursday’s Totally Tawdry, Tacky, Titillating & Tempting Tidbits

 

 

It’s a rainy Thursday here in Georgia and as I peruse the latest headlines, it seems as if absurdity is, as usual,  running rampant.  What would we do without a little comic relief to make the world a little more interesting place to live in? 

Remember, the truth IS truly stranger than fiction!!  (or as we say in the South, “You can’t make this sh*t up!!)

 

One of my favorite stories this week comes from Florida.  A woman called 911 in a panic.  Apparently she locked herself INSIDE her car and was starting to get “all woozie and stuff” because it was hot and she couldn’t get out.  According to her, the car wouldn’t start and nothing electrical would work!!

I give kudos to the emergency operator for being able to handle this potentially tragic situation without collapsing from laughter.  She managed to guide the poor soul through manually unlocking her door and the woman was able to escape the death trap of her own car!!  Crisis averted!  Start the blonde jokes now, regardless of the color of her hair.

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A totally “normal” gentleman in Britain was caught naked at a beauty spot with a flashlight stuck up his rear. told cops he was DEPRESSED.  Herbert Boothroyd, 61, said he had wanted to “cheer himself up”.  (UP being the operative word)  As two women passed, he continued cheering himself UP and waved hello.  He later also exposed himself to two teenage boys as he sat completely naked on a park bench.  Mr. Boothroyd was spared jail time however, because the police say he came clean about having the flashlight and stick up his backside, citing depression as he confessed to his transgressions.  He got probation for 2 years and was ordered to attend a sex offenders group. 

Personally I think he should have been banned from hardware stores as well.  He seems to take the term “hardware” to a whole ‘nother level of interpretation.  Something like a kid in a candy store perhaps?  No telling what he might find to relieve himself next time he’s a bit down in the dumps.  (pun intended)

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Back we go to Florida for another sign of the dumbing down of society in general.  In the town of Umatilla, a 37 year old woman was arrested after being accused of beating her 69 year old boyfriend in the head while he was in the shower.  According to the police report, the boyfriend was taking a shower at the Umatilla home when Sandy Jo ripped the shower curtain off the rod and began screaming at him, accusing him of having an affair with another woman.  He didn’t report the incident for a couple of days (ummm..perhaps because he had been beaten up by a girl AND caught having an affair??)  As she was taken off to jail, Sandy Jo said she should have hit him harder and was going to get even with him for cheating AND for having her arrested.

I’m betting Viagra had a little something to do with a 69 year old male not only playing house with a psychotic 37 year old, but also feeling cocky enough to bump boots with another woman as well.  Moral of the story?  Don’t come home drinking and cheatin’ with lovin’ on your mind!  (Or take a shower without an armed guard)

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 It seems as if there has to be a condition or acronym for everything these days.  Apparently it’s not good enough anymore to be a nymphomaniac, now you have PSAS or as it’s more commonly known, Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.  Men, I’m sorry, you can’t claim this syndrome, it’s exclusively a woman thing (as if we need one more thing!)  Of course, I’m sure men everywhere will now try to benefit and form support groups to “comfort” and be there for any woman afflicted with this condition.  Y’all are good like that.

This alarming condition (that wasn’t “discovered” until 1991?)  is one that causes some women to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm.  I saw it described as absolutely “nightmarish”,  I guess by the women, but I suppose the men that had to service them might find it a bit taxing at times too.  I have a hard time thinking that the men would describe it as a nightmare..maybe a dream cum true instead?

Two thoughts come to mind…well, to MY mind anyway. 

One,  maybe the men that take Viagra and have the dreaded erections that last for more than 4 hours (or priapism) should be matched with women that “suffer” from PSAS.  Problem solved. 

Two, if you have this condition, I’d buy stock in the Dollar Tree.  Just the “up” surge in battery sales from taking care of this would ensure a massive rise in their bottom line!   In both cases, my ideas would at the very least keep  everyone going and going and going! 😉

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The much maligned Washington, DC school districts are not doing their own image any good.   They just can’t help shooting themselves in the foot.  Oh wait though, aren’t guns outlawed in DC?  I digress, back to the school system.

The school board came out this week with new tougher guidelines for the school dress code.  They REALLY mean it this time too!  Are they bringing in school uniforms?  Oh no!  Hats, see-through clothes and accessories with protruding metal spikes are some of the items that are prohibited in the expanded policies. The new policy does NOT however, allow officials to suspend students who do not comply.   Boy, that’s a policy with bite huh??

They did also say that school officials should be prepared to provide extra clothes for those that cannot afford new ones.  It specifies that it should be “gender neutral” clothing. 

Personally I’m thinking if anyone wears clothes with metal spikes or that is see through, they should be REQUIRED to wear gender opposite clothing and be on display.  A day of cross dressing just might make them think twice about their outfits in the future.   On second thought, with today’s teenagers, it might start a trend.  Never mind.

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With the world economy in the state it’s in, this story is absolutely “heartwarming” to those of us with college age kids.   Colleges in the South have always been notoriously competitive.  Everyone knows that you don’t mess with the SEC when it comes to college football!! 

Alabama and Auburn are fighting for the title of most likely to raise tuition this year. 

Auburn trustees announced that they spent $500,000 this fiscal year to fly administrators and trustees on their TWO private corporate jets to wherever the heck they flew them to. (Important football games and such I’m sure) 

Alabama couldn’t quite match their feat.  They only have one jet (must be because football probation cut into their income the past few years), so they were only able to waste…ummmm, spend…30,500 in travel and their trustees were rarely on board for any flights.

These are two universities we are trusting to turn out the future fiscally responsible leaders for the coming years.  With these stellar examples being set by their bastions of higher education, what could go wrong??

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 Last but certainly not least, a little advice for the men from a couple of newly completed studies that have recently published their results.  (I can’t believe our tax money actually pays for some of this)  Okay, here we go…

First..if you’re bald, there is now proof that you aren’t scoring as often as your counterparts with hair.  MEN with a full head of hair are five times more likely to get a date than those who are thinning on top, a study shows. 

This study was conducted by posting identical profiles on an online dating site where the only difference was the photo of the male.  One photo showed a male with a full head of hair, the other with the same male sans hair.  Over the next two months, the profile with hair received 108 replies, while the bald counterpart only had 22 responses.  An expert in such things has suggested that it might be attributed to the fact that hair is associated in nature and history with virility.  (think Samson in the Bible)  Take it with a grain of salt (or a wig)

Study #2 pertains to a sense of humor.  Having trouble getting the ladies to fall into your bed?  Try cracking a few jokes!!  I kid you not!!! (nudge, nudge…get it??). 

It has been shown and allegedly proven (at least a time or two) that funny men laugh ladies into bed because they’re seen as ‘more intelligent’.  A study has found that a sense of humor “makes men seem more intelligent, trustworthy, and a better bet for a relationship”.  Imagine that! 

Personal ads were drawn up for the study and women were asked to rate them and choose the men they would most likely answer or want to date.  The men that showed a sense of humor in their ads were rated as more intelligent, despite the fact that the ads contained no clues as to their IQ.  They were also seen as more honest and better material for a relationship and for friendship.

 

So, in closing…I conclude that all is not lost for anyone that might be starting to thin on top or be completely bald.  The answer is obvious!  If you’re not getting laid, rent some 3 Stooges videos and brush up on your yuck (as in HA, HA) factor. (as opposed to an actual yuck, stalkerish or unfaithful qualities of course, those personality quirks just might get you arrested or beaten up by your girlfriend rather than laid ..reference story #1)  I’m thinking that sense of humor would trump the bald study thingy hands down.  Problem solved for all!

 Hmmmm…maybe I should receive a grant for doing a remarkably exhaustive “study” and giving such sage excellent advice that solves all of our dating woes!!  After all, I’m worth it! 

 

This concludes our Thursday Totally Tawdy, Tacky, Titillating & Tempting Tidbits for this week. 

A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

A Stupid Person’s Guide to Online Flirting 101

 

(Disclaimer: Not meant for the Habitual Collector of Conquests…Players Are On Their Own When It Comes To Making Total Fools of Yourself and Others)

 

Flirting has apparently become a lost art. While it’s true that some still appreciate and know how to employ the subtle nuances and intricate dance of approaching someone in a flattering and intriguing manner, of knowing that less is indeed more…it appears more and more as I look around, that flirting is quickly approaching being added to the endangered relationship quality control list. Admittedly..flirting, if done correctly, is a little more difficult. It takes time and thought to actually summon up some imagination, rather than to act like a lounge lizard or truck stop Sally in heat sweet talking as many potential play buddies as you can at one time in the hopes that possibly ONE of them might swallow your lines.

This applies to both women and men. While it’s true, a lot of men would be receptive to a woman offering themselves to them, the old adage is also true. Men do indeed love to date fast women, but when it comes to taking them seriously for anything long term, most will still pick someone that can be a tiger in the bedroom, but one that can be a lady when needed in public. Many women seem to equate a man’s interest in sleeping with them as true love.

I’m sorry to burst your passion bubble, and this really applies to men and women both as well, but having sex with someone and expecting them to fall madly in love with you simply BECAUSE you’ve shared your body with them, is doing the whole relationship thingy backwards and is totally unrealistic. While I’m sure some of you ladies can indeed suck the chrome off a trailer hitch or that you gentlemen are literal non-stop jackhammers of passion, after the sex is over, there has to be more there. You might ACTUALLY have to talk to the other person or deal with life issues.

So, here are a few suggestions at online flirting do’s and don’ts…in no particular order.  There are also a few embedded comments in bold that I’ve actually received over time from those that are under the illusion that they might be Don Juan reincarnated.  Suffice it to say, none of them elicited more than an eye roll.  Trust me, some of this I couldn’t make up if I tried.

 

1. The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone. If your ‘target’ knows that you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you. The wrong way to do this is to send a message such as “you so hot love to poor warm fudge all over you yum I like to add you to my friends list so we can chat.” Now while the warm fudge sounds appealing if you’re offering to buy me ice cream..coming from a total stranger, it will just make most roll their eyes or laugh outloud. 

 

2. Effective flirting really is a skill that requires you to be confident without being over the top. If you overstep your boundaries, it’s very likely that the lady will think that you are “slimy”. If you hold back, it’s probable that she’ll find you “wimpy”. Ladies, the line that you’re walking should be somewhere between “slutty” and “nun like”. Aim for the middle ground. Do not begin contact with someone new by sending them a lovely picture of your meat mallet or love pillows and expect anyone that isn’t pay-by-the-hour, ripe for sexually transmitted diseases, or looking for the affection (insert potential stalker here) they were denied as a child to respond in a serious manner. Do not get offended if there are those that instead of ignoring you, point out your shortcomings or sag-ability factor. You asked for it.

 

3. Ooze confidence (and no other bodily fluids). Successful flirts have a positive outlook on life. You need to transmit that “feel good” factor. No one wants to pay attention if you’re always screaming that the sky is falling or that someone peed on your parade.

 

4. Don’t be rude. Flirting does not give you the right to be sexually explicit nor does it mean that you should take offense if your target doesn’t respond favorably to you. If they isn’t interested in your particular way of wooing, save yourself the trouble and move on to your next prospect. If you find that you’re receiving many rejections, you will want to reconsider your approach. Bottom line is, if you wouldn’t say it in real life to someone of the opposite sex, it’s not appropriate or appealing online simply because you’re pulling out your male whore or female slut side and letting it rule and you think it doesn’t count because you’ll probably never see them face to face. Or if you do end up bumping uglies, that you’d never have to see them again.

 

5. Sincerely compliment something that interests you about them. If you are truly interested in someone, there will be something nice that you can find to say and mean it without using empty words. This is an example of one such approach that starts out okay (for the most part), but then crashes and burns in a spectacular. “My name is Clint. I’m not sure how to say this but Ill just do what I always do, speak my mind.. I think you are a very sensual and sexual Lady. I don’tmean to be vulgar or offend you in any way but d*mn babe I would so love to taste you. Have a great day.”

 

Take note…apologizing before or after an inappropriate comment is like closing the barn door after the horse has already been knocked up…not worth much. An apology for saying something you already know is wrong is just stupid and shows that you have no concept of what is appealing or not to the opposite sex.

While we’re on the subject, it’s probably also not a good idea to mention your spouse (wife or husband) in a complimentary message to someone you want to impress. For example…”i wish my wife had a body like you let me say you have a fit body i think you exercise every day.” *rolling my eyes* (See “being a sleeze” above)

 

 

6. When you decide to flirt or flat out present yourself to someone new as one that might be interesting or of worth, find a spell-checker or get someone that has a passing relationship with grammar to proof-read it for you. Nothing is less appealing than appearing to be ignorant, whether you really are or not. An example…”Eyes closed:-$,heart beating fast8-}…..arms trightly held around ur body pressed mine…>:D<….slowly gently ur sweet lips brush with mine:-*:x:x“.

Bonus tip: Try to actually spell out words without using chat abbreviations and remember if you’re not talking on messenger, those “cute” little emoticon things just look ridiculous if typed out in a message…especially coming from a total stranger.

 

 

7. While I know it’s tempting and fairly easy, especially online, to find one babe/hunk you like and then go through their entire list  of friends, putting the same smarmy comment on every hot person’s page you see and begging them to add you because THEY are the one…the epitome of everything you find attractive in a potential conquest…it’s just not very smart and makes you look lazy and/or insincere! *gasp!!* I know, I know…it’s hard to believe that ANYONE online wouldn’t be totally sincere with each and every syllable typed, but yes, I hear it does happen. Not that I’VE personally ever seen it, maybe it’s an urban legend, right along with the fact that pigs don’t fly and that sarcasm isn’t a form of communication and conveys true feelings. If you must go through lists, mining for your targets, at least be original when you post comments. I know it’s hard to believe, but your victim, “might” actually notice a pattern.

 

 

8. Humor IS sexy. Not just the forwarding of jokes, but things that show you have a personality or the ability to laugh at yourself. Humor and flirting go hand in hand, just like peanut butter and jelly. You can’t have one without the other. If you’re too intense all the time, that’s a red flag, not a sign of your devotion.

I, of course, am the exception to this rule. After I had to put to rest that NASTY online rumor that I was FUN or that I had a sense of humor (can you imagine someone saying such things about me??) a few weeks back, I can’t afford to have that misconception get started again!! I mean imagine, me?? Fun??? Just ask the Yankee. *wink*

 

 

9. Don’t try so hard. There are times when hard is a good thing *wink*..but when you’re flirting, that’s not it. Men or women, when trying to crawl over each other to outslut each other with comments or pictures, just shows that you must be lacking in one or more areas of your life. While I know the reasons some give on here for using fake pictures, none of them hold water. I don’t care if you are worried about someone stealing your picture, put one up of your face that’s not anything you’d be ashamed of someone you know seeing, then if someone uses it, so the hell what? The world will still be spinning tomorrow. It’s just not that big of a deal unless you make it a big deal. Of course, some want the attention of crying foul and getting sympathy.

If you’re butt ugly, but speaking as if you’re God’s Gift to the opposite sex, that’s just false advertising. If you’re that ashamed of yourself, then retreat back into real life and quit leading people on.

The “I have an important job and/or don’t want to take the chance of compromising myself” or “I’ll send it privately because I don’t want anyone to see me” excuse is just pathetic. First of all, you’re just not that important. Secondly, the FBI may indeed wander through here, but it’s highly unlikely you’ll catch their eye unless you’re a 10 most wanted, in which case, your picture is already displayed at the Post Office. I hear these excuses and automatically think…married or hiding from something/someone or a coward.

Obviously I don’t think that tasteful sexy pictures are a bad thing or a bad way of flirting, just remember the basic guidelines…less is more..always leave ’em wanting more, discretion is a good thing, and imagination is always more sexy than the in your face plopping of the boob=age or sausage up front like the blue plate special of the day. That leaves no room for building anticipation and you may just find that first sight is more than enough to make someone positive you’re NOT the “one” from the unattractive appearance of your pride and joy(s).  Oh, it might be wise to remember that it’s possible your boss, parents, children, or neighbors just might end up seeing more of you than you’d intended.

 

 

10. You only get one chance to make a first impression..make it a good one. Ask questions to show your interest that don’t include wanting to know the size of their ummmmmm…hands or feet…or how many midgets could fit in their bra. (trying to guess cup size for a prize, does not count as a good question).

Use respect and manners. If you wouldn’t approach a total stranger face to face and ask or say something, assume it’s probably not going to get you laid or make you into an instant sex symbol here either unless you find someone that is willing to play you as well. In that case, as long as there is full disclosure on both sides of the intention to bat each other around like mice in heat, by all means…proceed with my blessing. Use each other until someone easier comes along.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all. Contrary to popular belief, insulting someone to get their attention is probably not the best form of foreplay. I could be wrong though, there are many kinky things that appeal to the masses these days that I’m obviously not privy to, nor do I want to be.

 

 

I was going to stop at 10, but here’s one Bonus…

11. When attempting to flirt…do not…I repeat, DO NOT, bug the sh*t out of someone with a million messages. If they reply politely to one with a nice “no thank you”, then don’t continue to pursue them. It makes you look like a stalker and just isn’t very flirty. There isn’t much in this life worse than a pest. This will start to fall into the annoying category if continued. In that case, the “stalkee” has every right to abandon all manners and let you have it with both barrels rather than with what you’re asking for. Persistence in the face of some expression of interest, is okay. Sometimes people don’t pay attention right away. When persistence turns to obsession, then it’s pretty much a turn off. (or a felony) While one message is good, 50 is NOT more better. (yes, I DID write it that way on purpose, for effect…geez)

 

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Flirting is what makes love or the possibility of love/lust/friendship exciting…whether you’re married and flirting with a spouse, harmlessly flirting with a friend or single and looking. The ability to flirt is the single most important love life skill that every person needs to master. When you are a true Flirt at heart, you can have the love life of your dreams for the rest of your life.   Or you may simply get to experience some smiles and enjoy the inner workings of someone else’s personality and thought processes. To some flirting comes naturally. To others, it’s a bit more work and effort to pull it off. The rewards are worth it. Slow down and TRY to use a little common sense and imagination.

~Kath~

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~All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.~ Marya Mannes

Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

 

On this day in history, the little blue wonder pill, more commonly known as Viagra, finally got was was cumming to it!!  On March 27, 1998, amid a rising swell of popularity, the US Food and Drug Administration approved it’s use in the United States.  It burst onto the scene and has continued to expand it’s popularity time after time.

Sildenafil, the active drug in Viagra, was originally designed to lower blood pressure.  Why simply lower blood pressure when you can raise the bar and produce a firm result in other areas of interest as well? The cheap magic manhood pills offered and available anonymously online immediately served as the ultimate turn on for spam filters worldwide when a sudden explosion of emails started to appear.

Up until it’s approval, the drug market had been limp and listless in the treatment of ED, struggling hard to stay on top of the situation.  Viagra and it’s uplifting side effects were discovered quite by accident when those experiencing a new surge in their libido refused to return the medicine.  While at first extremely HARD to get, it soon became clear it had massive staying power and would have a firm hold on consumers. 

Rigid requirements at first made it hard to get your hands on.  Through masterful manipulation of the media, however, a solid groundswell of popularity forced it to be thrust more quickly into production.  That resulted in deep satisfaction among it’s many recipients.

So, it’s with GREAT pleasure and deep satisfaction we all take time and with a stroke or two of the pen, to send our most potent birthday wishes to the quicker, picker upper we have now grown to know as Viagra on it’s 11th birthday.  May it always rise to the top among the stiff competition it faces.

Thursday’s Typically Tawdry, Tacky & Tempting Tidbits

 

Totally random thoughts from my Thursday…a few news stories worthy of mention (and ridicule).  My mind tends to see the world a little differently at times.  And away we go…the best of today’s wacky and bizarre…

 

At last!! Men everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief with bathing suit season fast approaching!! Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George Costanza is changing out of his swimsuit, and a girl he’s interested in accidentally walks in and laughs, because he’s suffered a little post-pool shriveling? “Shrinkage”…the age old problem where guys worry about their manhood looking less than impressive after taking a swim might finally be solved. Enter the “Rooster Booster”…a $25 Lycra bathing suit with a pocket in the crotch where a guy inserts a breathable foam padding. The manufacturer claims it not only guards against shrinkage, it also keeps a man warm in a spot where he never wants to feel ice cold. It did not say whether or not it solved the age old question of “does this suit make my butt look big?”. 

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Teachers want to be allowed to carry guns in school?? Ummmm, HELLO!!…half of us are PMS’ing at the same time and most of the time should have a Valium salt lick in the teacher’s lounge just to get through the day and now some teachers want to pack heat? (btw, I prefer to cause heat, not pack heat) Does anyone else see a problem with this? It WOULD however, put a whole new spin on time out or 5 minutes on the fence. Parents get pissed off if we take recess away, imagine what they’d do if we started shooting up the school. Why, we might REALLY get fussed at then!! *rolling my eyes* Not to mention that most of us can’t see straight without our reading glasses, we’d be shooting each other or our own foot!

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As the mother of a teenaged daughter who is, of course, immersed in the “Twilight” hoopla, I found this little tidbit to be funny.  After stories spread that vampires were strolling the campus of Boston Latin School, the headmaster of the prestigious college-prep school put a stake in the rumors. Lynne Mooney Teta sent a notice out Thursday to faculty, students, and parents denying the presence of bloodsuckers. She declined, however, to offer details about the rumors.  Boston Police spokesman Eddy Chrispin said police were called to the school Wednesday after hearing of the vampire tales. Chrispin said he didn’t know if the alleged vampires were among the student body or hiding in old corners of the building.

The school was founded in 1635, and its students have included Ben Franklin, Sam Adams, Louis Farrakhan, and Sumner Redstone.  Hmmmm…Louis Farrakhan AND Ben Franklin??  Maybe given that Farrakhan attended the school, perhaps they mistook vampires for little green men.  I do find it hilarious that the police actually investigated the allegations..probably to appease anxious parents that didn’t want all that private school tuition to go to waste!

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In a new survey released recently, it has been discovered that those over 50 are more likely to have sex on the first date than those under 40. We needed a survey to tell us this?? It further went on to say that half of the older age group rated lust and passion as MORE important than marriage. Nearly 40 per cent of over-50s would sleep with a partner on a first meeting compared with just 18 per cent of under 40s. The under 30s may feel they invented sexual liberation, but it was the baby-boomer generation that staged the first summer of love..more than 40 years ago. Let the good times roll! Could this be one reason “use it or lose it” cums to mind? *wink*

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Scientists now say a crappy marriage can be bad for your heart. Personally, I think it’s pretty bad for your libido, penis or tunnel of love as well. Could explain some of the results of the over 50 sex on the first date thingy too, don’t ‘cha think??

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Children, especially girls, may be more likely to have sex before the age of 14 if they have been verbally abused by teachers, a new study suggests. Researchers found children at elementary school who were shouted at, harshly criticized or embarrassed by teachers in the classroom had an increased risk of early sexual intercourse. (Tell me again, why we pay for all these “valuable” studies??) Okay, so it now appears that there is yet one more thing you can blame on teachers. If your daughter (or on occasion, a son) turns out to be a slut..it’s the TEACHER’S fault..it certainly couldn’t be attributed your bad parenting or lack of attention to your child. Next they will want us to pay child support if their little darlin’s end up getting pregnant as teens. Lord knows, teachers should be the ones building up their self-esteem, not their actual parents. To hell with learning…instead, let’s cut all that silly stuff out in favor of taking tests that induce only stress and don’t really measure learning, coddling their egos and raising the kids everyone else has. THAT’S what going to college for those education degrees was really for..becoming pseudo parents and babysitters!

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Do you know there is an actual official National Mistress Day?  It’s the day that straying husbands and boyfriends set aside for the ‘other woman’.  Aptly, it falls on February 13th, the day before the national Hallmark conceived day of romance, Valentine’s Day.  SO, it seems the mistresses get ahead (so to speak 😉 ) of the wives once again and sneak in first for a little romance.  Learn something new every day!  I wonder if there’s a special greeting or thank you card especially for the occasion?

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A minor league baseball team is going to offer a 4,800 calorie hamburger as part of it’s stadium fare this season.  The pot belly behemoth extravaganza weights a whooping 4 pounds and consists of:  5 beef patties, 5 slices of cheese, a cup of chili, salsa, and corn chips slathered on an eight inch sesame seed bun.  This wonderful example of gluttony gone amok will cost the bargain price of $20.  If you have the courage (or stupidity) to try and down this big boy all by yourself in one sitting, you receive a special t-shirt…One that you can wear in the ambulance as you are stroking out and on the way to the hospital!!

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The news was released earlier this week during the launch of the Space Shuttle, that the first Japanese astronaut to live aboard the International Space Station will be doing an important scientific experiment, the likes of which have never been imagined before.  Koichi Wakata will be testing a new brand of stink free underwear!!  Let’s hope for the sake of everyone aboard the station, that this experiment is a success or phew wee!!  Just think of the implications gentlemen!  All that silly stuff about doing your laundry or doing the “sniff test” on things to find out how many more days you can get out of your unmentionables…you’ll always be as fresh as a daisy!  Now, if they can just do something about that little skid mark problem that men tend to have and overlook as they grunt and pound their chests.

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And to almost end up my mental ramblings of the bizarre day…it seems that ovulating strippers receive larger tips. It appears that women subtly signal when they are most fertile, although just how they do it is not clear. In the case of lap dancers, I’m guessing the extra “umph” in their gyrations just might trigger the bigger tips..along with triggering other things.  

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Last, but certainly not least…A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison. With a car wash vacuum?  Seriously???  Good heavens, I don’t think I can use them to clean out my car again without pulling on rubber gloves.  Safe sex indeed.   Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing. (oh really, ya think?)  The 29-year-old from Michigan, was sentenced Wednesday at Saginaw County Circuit Court.  Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.  Police say Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on Oct. 16 to report suspicious activity (I’d say having your love sword stuck in a vacuum hose just might be a TAD suspicious) at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.  I’m guessing that the 90 days in prison might bring a different kind of gratification for Mr. Savage.  

 

 

Okay..I’m done for now. Feel free to carry on with whatever you were doing. If this had been a real emergency of an over-abundance of stupidity taking over the world (yet), you would have been directed where to go and what to do. *grin*

 

Personally, I think we need to be doing the “Here’s your sign” a bit more often.  There seems to be an increasing lack of common sense amongst us.  The inmates are taking over the asylum. 

Get Your Money for Nothin’ and Your Chicks for free?

Today at a town hall meeting in California, President Obama told adoring crowds of kool-aid drinkers people gathered to pay homage to him,  not expect too much out of our government.  He continued to lecture a school teacher in the audience who asked a question about lost jobs that “Nothing is free”.  Oh, I must have made a mistake.  I thought I heard him say a few hundred times how education is a priority.

Huh?  EXCUSE ME??

All of this is coming from the man that ran on the platform of HOPE AND CHANGE and told the masses that he was going to save them?  The man that traveled around the country building false hope that the government WAS going to save them…that HE was going to be the solution to all our problems if we would just let him have free reign is now telling us not to expect too much?  Hey, this job is HARD! 

I swear the top of my head is going to explode before we get through the first 100 days of Mr. Obama’s term.

Let’s review a bit, shall we? (just some of the most pertinent points, I promise)

Today he said…”We are not always going to be right,” he said. “And I don’t want everybody disappointed if we make a mistake.”    “A” mistake??  Singular?  SERIOUSLY??  Has he been paying attention at all to what has happened in less than 60 days from his swearing in?

Oh wait, he’s been too busy firing up Airforce One every chance he gets because he feels “trapped” in the White House.  On Valentine’s Day weekend when he had just given yet another lecture/speech to the nation over the urgency of passing into law the massive bill that Congress didn’t even have time to read, he took FIVE days before he signed it before every TV camera available.  Date night in Chicago with the Mrs. is clearly more important than the nation’s economy.  Yeah, that conveys confidence.

Tim Geithner was the “only man” that can lead us out of the economic crisis/catastrophe the country finds itself in.  Oh, that little tax problem he had?  Ignore it…it’s of no consequence for the man that we’re going to appoint to be the head of the IRS.  Now Senators and others in power are calling for his head.  Ummmm..he’s also working alone in the Treasury Department (when the most important thing in the world is the economy) because they can’t find anyone willing to work in this environment, and the ones that are willing can’t pass the smell test. 

I won’t even MENTION the other appointees that have imploded for various vetting issues.  I’d think that might qualify as an embarrasment, but apparently not for this administration.  Call me crazy, but I consider staffing the positions and support positions in government a priority.  To me, staffing the government just might trump filling out the March Madness brackets…but that’s just me.

I also not going to go into the dog and pony show the past couple of days on Capitol Hill that has employed smoke and mirrors and finger pointing to try and deflect the people’s growing anger with the lack of attention to details with our bailout money.  That pesky unconstitutional bill the Congress passed today in regards to taxing said bonus money?  Oh well, what do we need a Constitution for anyway?  It’s not like we need protection from misuse of authority or our personal freedoms guaranteed, now do we?  (and for the record, the bonuses piss me off mightily, BUT they were approved by law and the lack of oversight.  You can’t take your ball and change the rules of the game mid-stream because you screwed the pooch)

Oh Mr. Obama, I resolve to be patient and not expect too much from my government.  I know that you’ve got more important things to do.  Why it’s not easy continuing on the campaign trail even though you’ve already been annointed..ummm..elected.  I realize old habits die hard and it’s all you really know how to do well (other than reading off a teleprompter).  So of COURSE we’ll cut you some slack.

I KNOW that appearing as the first sitting President on a late night entertainment talk show HAS to take priority.  After all, you’re in the process of dumbing down and rubbing the decorum off the office of the President of the United States.  That little bitty gaffe in protocol and bit of tackiness with Gordon Brown and his wife was obviously just an anomaly.  Oh wait, there have been several other “lapses” in that silly decorum stuff and tradition from the leader of the free world.  Tonight you even managed to insult the disabled in an attempt to be cute.  Oh, no matter, that stuff isn’t really important is it??

 I obviously don’t have the “patience and forbearance” that our President is asking of us.  I see people hurting and that pain getting deeper as Washington, Republicans and Democrats alike, are contributing to with their wild flailing and directionless agendas.  We have been told of the urgency of the problem over and over again during the past few months, yet we’re concerned with nationalizing health care or harnessing the wind to add to a massive deficit coming down the pike.

Now apparently, we have to be patient while they print more money and throw it at our problems..no matter that they are devaluating the dollar in the process and heading us into inflation as well.  In the meantime, we should lower our expectations and find a way to dig ourselves out of the hole.  Ignore those pesky unusually large deficits and that ridiculous pork ridden budget of full of liberal agendas destined to bankrupt us further. 

Are we expected to now simply learn to be a good “new” American..sit down, shut up and do as we’re told?  Just succumb to the intimidation from those that are still under the hypnotic non-thinking mode and follow their lead, lest you be mocked and shamed.  No questions or criticism allowed.  To not go along with the game plan is simply not patriotic, you know! Shame on you!  Just pay your increased taxes and be happy!!

In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the smooth stylings of our new Commander-in-Entertainer as he mixes his unique brand of cockiness with humility and gives us pithy comments on late night TV.  It’s not like he’s needed in Washington attending to business or at least pretending to run the government.   Right??

He must have discovered all that icky work stuff is no fun and one more thing above his pay grade.

Why should we be worried?

 

(Mr. Obama and I were born in the same year, so we grew up and were influenced by the same world events and music.  Perhaps this song is stuck in his head..perchance it could become his new theme song)

 

MONEY FOR NOTHING – DIRE STRAITS

I want my, I want my MTV….

Now look at them yo-yo’s
That’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV

That ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Money for nothing
And your chicks for free

Now that ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Lemme tell you, them guys ain’t dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We got to move these refrigerators

We got to move these color TV’s

See the little faggot
With the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy, that’s his own hair
The little faggot got his own jet airplane
The little faggot, he’s a millionaire

Got to install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We’ve got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TV’s

Move-a, move-a, huh

Got to install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We’ve got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TV’s

Lookie here, looka
I shoulda learned
To play the guitar
I shoulda learned
To play them drums
Look at that mama
She got it sticking in the camera
Man, we could have some fun

And he’s up there
What’s that, Hawaiian noises
He’s banging on the bongos
Like a chimpanzee

Oh, that ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Get your money for nothing
Get your chicks for free

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TV’s

Listen here
Now that ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on your MTV

That ain’t working
That’s the way you do it
Money for nothing
And your chicks for free
Money for nothing
Chicks for free

Get your money for nothing
And your chicks for free
Money for nothing………

Look at that, look at that
I want my, I want my
I want my TV………

That ain’t working

It Ain’t Easy Being Green, But It IS Apparently Very Stimulating

Once again with the turn of the calendar, it’s the day to celebrate all things Irish and in the process, all things green.  Why Crayola alone makes 20 different green crayons in varying hues, so there must be something to all this green fever!

 

Our language is liberally seasoned with metaphors, idioms and phrases all revolving around our obsession with the color of money and luck.

We are taught that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but the green green grass of home is a good thing.

You can turn green with envy when the green eyed monster rears it’s ugly head.

Dr. Seuss pointed out that despite Sam I Am’s obsession with Green eggs and ham, that it’s probably not going to be a hot seller on the menu at IHOP or Waffle House anytime soon.

We wax poetic about the green green grass of home and how green the valley and play on fields of green while wearing green for luck.

We don’t know for sure, but it’s entirely possible that the Green Eyed Lady of Sugarloaf song fame…”Green eyed lady, ocean lady…
Soothing every wave that comes” might have been Green around the gills if she was prone to seasickness by that ocean.

You can be a greenhorn, have a green thumb, or wait in the green room if you are a celebrity.  You can get a green light to proceed in life or traffic.  We love to have plenty of greenbacks in our pocket, especially in this economy.

 

According to Celtic myths, the Green Man was the God of Fertility.

Green has long been considered a metaphor and symbol for fertility and this was evident in the fifteenth (15th) century as Green was the preferred color for wedding attire.

 

The symbolism attached to the color Green continues to this day even though it has now taken on more modern meanings.

For instance, did you know that green M&M’s have long been the subject of myth as they are considered, by some, to have magical aphrodisiac powers? As to whether or not this is true is, of course, subject to interpretation, but I for one, always save the green M&M’s to eat last, just for luck.  Apparently others must do the same thing because in 1996, a commercial was released that asked “Is it true what they say about green ones?”  Hey, can’t hurt to try and M&M’s are MUCH cheaper than oysters or that famed little blue pill (not to mention less slimy!).

Perhaps that why Kermit was always lamenting that “It ain’t easy being green” and explains why Ms. Piggy was always in hot pursuit of his cute little green tooshie.  He is, after all, the very essence and symbol of fertility and the perfect aphrodisiac personified in amphibian form.  I ask you, how could a mere female pig be expected to resist that??

 

Green occupies more space in the spectrum visible to the human eye than most colors, and is second only to blue as a favorite color. Green is the pervasive color in the natural world, making it an ideal backdrop in interior design because we are so used to seeing it everywhere.

A few fun facts all surrounding the color green that you might not know…

 

Interesting information about green:

• Green was the favorite color of George Washington, the first President of the United States.

• The color green signifies mystical or magical properties in the stories of King Arthur.

• Green is one color that means “low” or “guarded” in the color-coded threat system established by presidential order in March 2002. This system quickly informs law enforcement agencies when intelligence indicates a change in the terrorist threat facing the United States.

• Green is the color used for night-vision goggles because the human eye is most sensitive to and able to discern the most shades of that color.

• Bright green is the color of the astrological sign “Cancer.”

• Green ribbons have been used by a range of environmental groups to symbolize organ donation and transplant, awareness of Bipolar Disorder, solidarity with Chechnya, and support of farmers in America.

• NASCAR racers have shared a bias against the color green for decades. Reportedly, it began after a 1920 accident in Beverly Hills, California, that killed defending Indianapolis 500 champion Gaston Chevrolet. It was the first known racing accident in the United States to kill two drivers, and Chevrolet reportedly was driving a green car. Tim Richmond once refused to drive a car sponsored by Folger’s decaffeinated coffee because the primary color was green. He wound up in the Folger’s regular coffee car – and its red scheme. But the fear of green cars is fading, primarily because sponsors are willing to pay $15 million to splash their colors on a race car. Greenis now the primary color of cars driven by Mayfield, Marlin, and J.J. Yeley.

 

Green in athletics and sports:

• In auto racing, a green flag signals the start or resumption of a race.

• The green belt in Judo symbolizes green trees. Just as a green tree is the tallest living thing, so should our own pursuit of knowledge be, aiming high and keeping the goal of our achievement (top of the trees) in high esteem.

 

Green as a signature color:

• Kermit the Frog

 

Companies or brands identified primarily with green:

• H&R Block

• BP

• Heineken

• Starbucks

• The Masters Golf Tournament

• Rolling Rock

• Garnier Fructis

• John Deere

 

 

What it says about you when you buy a green vehicle…

There is no question that the vehicle you drive is an extension of your personality — an unspoken, but clear message to the rest of the world.

• The message you send by driving a vehicle that is Dark Green: Traditional, trustworthy, well-balanced.

• If, however, your vehicle is a Bright Yellow-Green, you give a different impression: Trendy, whimsical, lively.

 

 

The color green is said to affect us physically as well in these ways:

• Soothes

• Relaxes mentally, as well as physically

• Helps alleviate depression, nervousness, and anxiety

• Offers a sense of renewal, self-control, and harmony

 

 

Green is the color of the Heart Chakra, also known as Anahata.

This chakra is located at the center of the chest area and is linked to the heart, lungs, circulatory system, cardiac plexus, and the complete chest area.

The Heart Chakra bridges the gap between the physical and spiritual worlds. Opening the Heart Chakra allows a person to love more, empathize, and feel compassion.

Gemstones that will aid the Heart Chakra include jade and malachite.

And finally, just so we don’t leave anyone out…

 

Green around the globe:

• Green is used worldwide to represent safety.

• In several religions, green is the color associated with resurrection and regeneration.

• In Ghardaia and other parts of M’zab, houses painted in green indicate that the inhabitants have made a pilgrimage to Mecca.

• Green, blue-green, and blue are sacred colors in Iran, where they symbolize paradise.

• As the emblematic color of Ireland, green represents the vast green hillsides, as well as Ireland’s patron saint, St. Patrick.

• In Japan, green is regarded as the color of eternal life.

• In Aztec culture, green was considered to be royal because it was the colour of the quetzal plumes used by the Aztec chieftains.

• The solid green flag of Libya is currently the only national flag of a single color.

• In China, jade stones represent virtue and beauty.

• In Portugal, green is the color of hope because of its associations with spring.

• In the highlands of Scotland, people used to wear green as a mark of honor.

• There is a superstition that sewing with green thread on the eve of a fashion show brings bad luck to the design house.

 

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Personally given the whole aphrodisiac thingy, I’m thinking we should all dye ourselves green for the day.  Hey, if it works for Kermit, who are we to argue with success?? *wink*

 

Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

The Best and Worst of Times

 

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. 

It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity…

It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness. 

It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,

We had everything before us, we had nothing before us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way . . .” – Charles Dickens

 

“All going direct the other way.”  Somehow with the news of AIG’s latest and greatest claim to fame this morning of it’s plan to give out 165 Million dollars, the “other way” that Dickens speaks of seems to indicate the other way we are all going directly to is in fact, hell in a hand basket. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 (of course, unless you’re entitled to a bailout), do NOT go directly to jail, even if you are well deserving of doing so, it seems.

I don’ t know about you, but I’m one of the so called “little people” or middle class or what is quickly becoming the group falling through the cracks.  I’m not entitled enough to skate through on my “last” couple of million bucks or downtrodden enough to qualify for free handouts from the government (yet).  I’m simply a member of  the group who is trying to be responsible and pay our bills the best way we can amongst growing unemployment or shrinking salaries.  The ones making do with what we have, rather than trying to find ways to work the system or have someone swoop in and rescue us or pay our way. 

Granted, day to day living is not always a bunch of laughs.  I seem to have missed the memo where I was promised that life would always be fun or easy.  Silly me, I was raised to find ways to take care of things that were my responsibility.  While I’d love to live high on the hog all the time with penthouses, expensive vacations and lots of “toys”, I was taught that I was old enough for my wants not to hurt me.  I learned that if I can’t afford something, then I have to wait until I can and make do with dreams until I find a way to make it happen.  In doing so, I learned to appreciate the good things even more when they arrived or were earned.  I learned pride and perseverance.  Qualities all that need we are going to have to find again and learn to teach those survival skills to our children..many of whom have never heard the word no or had to do without.

So news this morning of yet more stupidity on MY hard earned dime is purely starting to piss me off.  It turns out the division that is receiving the “gift” of our tax payer money in the form of bonuses, is the division whose risky contracts caused massive losses to the insurer in the first place.  Has the world lost all sense of reason?  Am I the ONLY one that sees the irony and idiocy in all of this?  The taxpayer funded bailout (I refuse to call it the Recovery and Reinvestment Act, what a load of manure…playing with semantics won’t make it more palatable) is in effect being used to REWARD those that cause it to be needed in the first place.  The vivid image of a cat chasing it’s tail comes to mind.

I personally don’t give a flying flip that AIG is “contractually” obligated to pay these bonuses…the game and world has changed and along with it the rules.  The excuse that they would be sued if they didn’t fork over the money doesn’t hold water with me.  Let the people that helped cause this mess sue to get their blood money, I double dog dare them.  If they have the kahonas to file a public lawsuit and face the public outrage, I say, let them go for it…but do NOT just meekly hand them the money.  Make them actually do some work for it.  Lord knows, they didn’t do work or practice due diligence to earn it in the first place.  When are we going to start putting our collective feet down and say we’re mad as hell and NOT going to take it anymore??

The government and our illustrious administration is all over the place on every single issue put in front of it.  They manage to come down on both sides of every issue, sometimes within the confines of a single speech.  First we’re in a catastrophic crisis that is going to get hellaciously worse.  Then as of last week, all of the sudden, maybe it’s NOT as bad as we thought?  HUH?? Excuse me???  It just all leaves you scratching your head and saying what in heavens are they all thinking?  ARE they thinking at ALL or is everyone just throwing a dart at a big board of possible outcomes and using it as the message of the day?  No wonder the stock market and consumers are totally devoid of direction or confidence.  I have said many times in the past 4 to 5 months, that my head is going to literally explode one of these days as I listen to yet one more speech or lecture from our leaders.  Maybe that’s the grand master plan…To have as many of us stroke out from frustration over the mixed messages, ineptitude and confusion being spread by those we elected to higher power.

I’m here to say, just as many others more learned than I am are warning us..that life is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.  You can bet your bottom dollar on it or take it to the bank (just make sure it’s a solvent one).  We have all enjoyed the decades of excesses and must now fall back to earth and our roots.  Many of us in our 40’s or 50’s remember our parents teaching us right from wrong.  Somehow that message got lost or ignored along the way in the name of profit or greed or keeping up with the neighbor next door.  We allowed ourselves to make excuses or allowances for why we deserved to have more than we had actually earned.  It’s now costing us all.

It’s going to be painful, but not fatal.  We are capable of fixing this mess and finding a sensible middle ground on which to now live.  Will our world ever be the same again?  No, I personally don’t think so.  This is not just a localized problem in our nation, it’s a worldwide meltdown.  The world and all our ways of living are now changed.  Given the scope of the mess we’re fighting our way through, we never should have been living life the way we were in the first place.  Moderation and common sense are going to have to prevail. 

It’s not as bad as it sounds to find new ways of doing things.  There will be positives amongst the icky stuff to come.  We’ll find who we can depend on and rediscover or find in the first place ways to enjoy ourselves and families without the distraction of so much “stuff” getting in the way.  We will learn if we’re smart enough to pay attention, that there are more things important than getting a new car every year or going on several fancy vacations a year so we can compare pictures with our friends and have a contest to determine who had the best time or spent the most money.  Who knows?  Simple pleasures just may be rediscovered along with the joy they can bring.  To learn appreciation for living life without so much pressure to always have more and the finding that even the more is never enough. 

We have to stop the stupidity of letting the inmates rule the asylum.  To continue to let executives or those so used to “playing the game” keep sliding things past us on the rails of excuses or reasons why things CAN’T be changed, has to stop.  The government has to develop a backbone, stop trying to please everyone and start handing out consequences for bad behavior.  Let the big boys fail…nothing is TOO big or TOO important to fail.  Someone or a better organization will rise to take their place.

It’s the American way.  Now we all just need to remember what that way is and work to build a better more stable foundation that has some common sense…and learn to savor the good things before always needing more.

The lyrics of a Styx song, “The Best of Times” come to mind…

 

Tonight’s the night well make history honey, you and I..
And I’ll take any risk to tie back the hands of time
And stay with you here tonight.

I know you feel these are the worst of times..
I do believe its true
When people lock their doors and hide inside.

Rumor has it its the end of paradise
But I know, if the world just passed us by
Baby I know, you wouldn’t have to cry.

The best of times are when I’m alone with you
Some rain, some shine, we’ll make this a world for two..
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime.

We’ll take the best, forget the rest
And someday well find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

The headlines read these are the worst of times,
I do believe its true.
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide.

I wish the summer winds could bring back paradise
But I know, if the world turned upside down
Baby, I know you’d always be around.

The best of times are when I’m alone with you
Some rain, some shine, we’ll make this a world for two..
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime.

We’ll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we’ll find these are the best of times..
These are the best of times.

And
So my friends we’ll say goodnight..for time has claimed its prize.
But tonight will always last
As long as we keep alive memories of paradise…